I like to mute CNN and imagine they’re arguing about what appetizer, or appetizers, to order at TGIFridays.
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NASA CHIEF: No I said make a TIME machine.
ME: Oh that makes much more sense.
[Thousands of Tims nod in unison]
*slips $5 to the mortician*
Me: How about – stop screaming – how about you give me another 10 minutes, this is a great place to nap.
The wife is approaching! *Close Twitter, close favstar, close youporn, close match .com, delete history, open google and stare at screen
Just because something’s vegan doesn’t mean it’s cruelty-free. For example, my ex-girlfriend
My coworker was talking to me and I couldn’t hear her and without realizing it I started to take my mask off to hear her better. To.hear.her.better.
My daughter has decided singing happy birthday to her is punishable by death
Maternity confirmed
[dad accidentally steps on the dog]
I’m sorry girl, I didn’t see you. Are you ok?[dad accidentally steps on me]
Why are you on the floor?!
SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE
WIFE: Stop spending money on stupid stuff
ME: Okay
[later]
WIFE: What the hell?
[dog walks by in a tuxedo]
ME: He’s getting married, Karen
Our 5 year old seems to have deemed himself the local virus warden.
Over the fence to our neighbour:
‘JEAN YOU NEED TO GO INSIDE’
‘Okay I will in a minute’
‘YOU’RE OLD AND THERE’S A VIRUS’
‘I’m not that old thank you’
‘HOW OLD ARE YOU JEAN?’
‘I’m 68.’
‘THAT IS NEARLY 70 JEAN.’
Me: So, what did you bring home from preschool today?!?
3yo: *sneezes*
I’m not saying I’m a rebel, I’m just saying I wanna park here to see what the fuss is about.
“Men are pigs” – misandrist &/or world’s worst biologist
Pancakes are just crepes who let themselves go after college.
“Man, what’s eating you today?
*looks down*
I Don’t know…. GET IT OFF OF ME!!!
What I was warned about as a kid:
*Strangers in vans
*Gum taking seven years to digest
*QuicksandWhat I wasn’t warned about as a kid:
*Arguing with a computer that I’m not a robot
*Being sad when my favorite spatula breaks
*Meeting a “pickleball influencer”
Flight attendant: The pilot has had a heart attack! So who can fly the plane??
Me: omg *nudges wife* I love riddles
[picking out a washing machine]
how many watermelons can this hold?
“uhh I dunno, 11?”
only 11?
*keeps walking to next one*
how many waterme
What kind of key opens the door to a haunted house
A spoo-key.
You have your whole life ahead of you. They threatened
“one time, I saw a wino eating grapes. I was like, dude, you have to wait”
Got to check out Godzilla Vs. Kong early and if you’re a fan of buildings I’ve got some bad news for you.
Daddy! Tell me a story..
The Tooth Fairy is really a wicked witch, who takes all your teeth if you sleep with your mouth open.
Good night.
[THE INVENTOR OF FLIP FLOPS]
What if you could clap with your feet?
I do not want “thoughts and prayers.” I want “chips and salsa.”
I’m at the age where I need at least 3 weeks advance notice before doing anything spontaneous
hot peppers: if you chop me up i’ll cover your hands with pain oil.
me: no problem i’ll just wash them.
hot peppers: [chuckling] oh yeah good luck with that.
The moderator on this ‘brainstorming’ conference call emphasized that there were “no dumb ideas,” a claim soundly disproven within the first few minutes of the discussion.
I almost slept through the whole thing
*best day ever*
Weatherman discovering his monitor has a touch screen