My horse kicked me in the head last month and sent me to the ER. My insurance is telling me to sue him.
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I’m gonna get full size candy bars and hand them out to just one member of each group on Halloween to create division amongst the children
I once told a guy that I was really into physics so he surprised me with a copy of Stephen Hawking’s A Brief History of Time and that was the exact moment I remembered the word I was looking for was psychics.
If one more person stands up and talks about their alcoholism I’m quitting this book club.
This idea is the best gift I’ve ever given myself
I am not on a plant based diet but my lungs are
Twitter is the social media version of Grease. Ya know, 40 year old people acting like they’re still in high school.
me, too, girl. me, too.
A girl with kaleidoscope eyes sounds horrifying.
agent, on phone: my clients have decided to accept your third offer
me: it’s off the table
agent: {muffled} ..what about the second
me: also off the table
agent: {muffled} ..ok fine, they’ll take first then
me: hold on, let me get my cat out of here
Based on my experience with trying to find the restroom at Kohl’s, I would die first in the Hunger Games.
Star Wars VII: the force awakens
Star Wars VIII: the force goes out to play
Star Wars IX: goodnight force
Your attempt to intimidate me with your knuckle cracking is a waste of time, I’m quite aware it’s a gas bubble between your bone & joint.
[at the auto parts store]
Me: I need windshield wipers for my Chryler
Counter Guy: What size engine
Before carbs: Hates everyone
After carbs: Hates everyone but is fat
People who say 45 minutes past the hour are the same ones who have kids 89 and 63 months old
A starfish has five arms.
An anablep has four eyes.
An octopus has three hearts.And you’ve got two faces.
My new dry-erase whiteboard can be
summed up in one word : “remarkable”
Everyone becomes a robo-dancer with their hands when the motion sensor faucet isn’t working.
I can’t believe someone ran over my neighbours loud motorcycle tomorrow morning.
My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business
Coworker’s 9yo son asked to write a diary of a character from Macbeth. He chose the King.
Day 1: excited about visiting ma wee friend macbeth and hoping he does nae kill me in ma sleep.
day 2 (ghost king): i cannae believe he killed me
I once dated a guy only because he had a cool hidden safe behind a painting in the hallway he kept the spare toilet paper rolls in there
Where on LinkedIn do I add my current gang memberships
Me: Who’s a good boy? WHO’S A GOOD BOY? Who wants a belly rub? WHO WANTS A BELLY RUB?
Client: Can I get a different massage therapist?
[morgue]
mum: [crying over my bullet ridden body] how did this happen
cop: the robber yelled “everyone be cool” so he tried to do a kickflip
With these gas prices forget my kids, I’m about to buy myself a pony
Rt to bother an English speaker
evidently it’s ‘not appropriate’ to call the embassy when the grocery store is out of brazil nuts
Having to redownload the HBO app on four devices was the worst thing to happen to me since COVID.