co-worker: ok who put seafood in the microwave
me: oh sorry does my lobster smell
co-worker: no he’s pinching people
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[valentine’s day]
gf: [reading my txt] “keith just said he’s going to give me 92 minutes of pleasure tonight”
her friend: “oh wow”
[later watching shrek 2]
me: “you look disappointed”
My favorite new hobby is putting on an orange apron and giving people horrible and incorrect construction advice at Home Depot
I moved to this city ten years ago with just the money in my pocket and a debit card that gave me access to the rest of my money which was in a bank account.
First day as a vampire hunter: This is easy lol
First night as a vampire hunter: oh no
waffles are just pancakes that ran into the screen porch door at full speed.
I’m really enjoying this drive through the desert. There’s so much to see. Cacti, rocky plateaus, rolling vistas, the occasional coyote on roller skates with a giant magnet on his back, tumbleweeds.
[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama
I am going to miss shaking hands after sex.
[on a date]
me: so anyway…i just don’t understand mass murderers. whatever happened to quality over quantity?
him: CHECK PLEASE
My cat swallowed a ball of wool a few months ago and just gave birth to a litter of mittens
I’ve deleted enough tweets to know that I should never get a tattoo.
Nothing tests the marriage bond like being stranded in an airport with kids.
ROBIN: the batmobile won’t start
BATMAN: check the battery
ROBIN: what’s a tery
People Complain They’ve Been Cancelled; coming soon to prime time television.
I don’t know, my pockets are always stuffed full of things I need.
Two people are breaking up outside my window right now & I just heard one of them scream YOU DON’T EVEN FOLLOW ME ON INSTAGRAM. Some things are unforgivable.
*tosses bath towel on hotel floor*
[text from wife at home]
“Pick that up.”
To whoever needs to hear this: Tie your hair back before you pick up all the dog poop.
Me: I have a new water bottle! I’m gonna get my 64 Oz a day now, bay-bee!
Also me: ᴀʟʟ ᴏꜰ ᴍʏ ʟɪꜰᴇ ɪꜱ ᴘᴇᴇ
i raised my dog to treat all people as equals
whether they be grey, grey, grey or grey
oh sorry i cant im busy that day
don’t ask me explain this but a golden retriever is like the 1990s in dog form
Me: Sorry, I can’t tonight. I already made plans.
Him: That’s too bad. There’s going to be open bar and–
Me: What time should I be there?
“Toy Story 4”: Woody and Buzz discover their teddy bear friend is really a NannyCam; they must murder him to protect the secret of the toys.
Me: I can’t get this damn sports bra on!
Him:
Me:
Him: that’s a plastic produce bag
Me: I FOUND IT IN THE MELON SECTION!
My doctor said I needed to reduce stress. Great, now I have that to worry about.
I walk around with mentos in my ears so everyone thinks I have an iphone 7.
*leans in for a kiss*
DENTIST: stop that
The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks to hide their identities from all the other walking and talking turtles