Raccoons are riding wild hogs into battle against the possums. I guarantee you the media will be completely silent about it.
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4 year old spent 10 minutes telling me about his grazed knee and how it “really really hurts” but when he showed me it looked fine. He got mad that I couldn’t see the graze. Then he realised he was showing me the wrong knee
Kids are fun. For example my daughter overflowed the toilet once and now she has a toilet flushing phobia.
Who called it a henhouse attendant …
and not a chicken tender ?
Plastic surgeons offer a rhinoplasty menu so you can pick your nose.
[finishing meal at rooftop restaurant] I’m ready to jump off whenever you guys are
I really like the word aesthetic, it’s so pleasant on the eye. I wonder if there’s a word to describe that.
ME: *taking a massive hit of universal healthcare*
DAD: *pounding on the door* what are you kids doing in there?
ME:
DAD: Are you doing socialism in there? Open this door right now
All cars should have a robot hand built into the driver’s seat headrest. If you don’t use your turn signal, it flicks you in the ear for the rest of the trip.
“Man did I just waste $7?”
-Vampire in the carnival Hall of Mirrors.
Got fired from the duty free store for never showing up which is very misleading and also bullshit.
*Handed a baby*
Awww he’s so cute. Do you have anything quieter?
Dad: Your grandpa used to cut the grass before he died, but now he’s-
Son: Dad please don’t…
Dad: Lawn gone.
I just called my boss and told him I have explosive diarrhea. It’s my day off, but I like to keep him informed.
My girlfriend and I are sharing an #Amazon account.
We’re prime-mates.
Most people getting out of an Uber: “thanks”
Midwesterner getting out of an Uber: “Good luck with your custody battle! There’s no way the courts won’t be able to see what an amazing mother you are! You stay strong Amber…I love you!”
Imagine if your anxiety and your metabolism swapped jobs
Me: Are you mad at me?
Wife: Eventually.
Called Comcast to see about dropping my service and long story short, If anyone wants to watch Showtime, call me on one of my 36 landlines.
Found a picture of me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe it’s been a whole year.
I just screamed at the dog to pitch in and do more to help us through this crisis like the WW 2 generation. How’s everyone else holding up?
me: as soon as I get home from work, I’m going to clean the entire house, get my workout in, and do some work on creative projects
my bed: [chuckles darkly]
My cats won’t talk to me because I came home late from work.
I wish my face had a screensaver that would come on to let people know that they’ve been talking to me for too long.
4-year-old: Why do my hands taste funny?
Me: I don’t know. Go wash them.
4: Don’t you want to taste them first?
Your call is very important to us, here’s six days of irritating music.
I was winning at blackjack until the pit boss offered to exchange my chips for chips and salsa.
Him: do you have a pen?
Me: yes. (walks away)
5: mummy I want a sandwich
Me: you forgot to say the magic word
5: cheese
If you don’t fall in love with me, I’ll write poetry about you and then you’ll regret it.
Tired of rap songs starting with MC going “uhuh uhuh…One two one two…Let’s do this…” No. You shoulda been ready when the song started.