Area Man Already Knows Which Chicken Tender He’s Saving For Last
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“Sure, you could bury it but hear me out.”
Taxidermy is invented.
I want you to know that whatever problems you’re having I’m hear to ‘like’ them. 🙃
It is truly easier to forgive your enemies than figure out how to limit their access to your facebook page.
Dogs will go through amazing effort to get a better view of your plate
[i see a hot girl walking her dog]
me: hi, can i ask you a question?
her: hi, uh, sure
me: i was talking to your dog
her: oh haha ok
me: *crouches down* hey buddy, your owner is hot, can you put in a good word for me
Accordion to research, 9 out of 10 people don’t notice when you replace words with random musical instruments.
[Robbery]
Sloth Man: I’ll use my powers to make the criminals fall asleep.
*Runs to bank*
*Reaches bank 18 hrs later*
SM: How’d they escape?
Doctor: “Are you ready for your shot today?”
Me: [Puts on a bulletproof vest.] “I’m ready.”
Age 15: kids are stupid
Age 25: kids are stupid
Age 35: I love my kids but kids are stupid
Cause of death: Trying to draw eyebrows on the neighbor’s cat.
A group of toddlers is called a migraine
FYI – when your pilot says “we’ll be on the ground shortly” fellow travelers don’t appreciate it when you loudly add “one way or another.”
*yells at husband*
I can’t make it fit! It won’t fit!
Him: Just turn it a little.
Me: *screams in excitement*
We finished the puzzle!!
A lady told me she was a widow and I accidentally said “congratulations.”
The straw that broke the camel’s back was either an exceptionally large straw or that camel had some serious osteoporosis.
Me: Hello darkness, my old friend
Darkness: *rolls eyes*
I’ll admit, ever since I saw Psycho as a kid I’ve felt a tiny bit nervous each time I kill someone in the shower.
My kid: *does something cute*
Me: That’s great, sweetie, now please can you do it again in a cleaner part of the house so I can take a photo?
8YO: If daddy grows his beard, he’ll look like a wizard
6YO: No, he’ll definitely look like a panda
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Is anyone here a doctor?
ME: *opening WebMD* Hold on, hold on.
*jingles half the way*
Running away doesn’t help you with your problems. Unless you’re fat.
[sermon]
There will come a day when Christ will drive out evil from our land, and it will be the Judgment Day!
*T-1000 shifts nervously*
People r afraid of boogers. I bet u could rob a bank with a booger! Folks in the bank would back up! Police would be puzzled tho: A Bogger?!
I love to use my 6-foot wide umbrella at eye height on a crowded path.
~Psychopaths.
People in the bar at closing time are kinda like samples at Costco.
Both seem so much better before you take them home.
My wife is out of town for a few days, and you know what that means!!! (Constant fear of locking myself out of the apartment!!!)
Trying to keep the riff raff away.
Instagram Girl, just relaxing in her sweats: Perfect ponytail, full makeup, hydrating after an intense yoga session.
Me, just relaxing in my sweats: Sweating pretty hard, because I dropped a chocolate chip down my sports bra and I’m trying to fish it out before it melts.