ruin Thanksgiving for everyone with a detailed description of how you prepared the turkey
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Me: I don’t trust our mailman.
Wife: Why?
Mailman: [from closet] Yeah, why?
Me: …. Dog: … Me: …. Dog: … Me: … Dog: … Me: …. Dog: … Me: … Dog: … Me: … Dog: have the shrooms kicked-in yet? Me: ..
If Elsa could bring snow to life why didn’t she make herself some pets? I’d have like 50 snowcats by now.
Nobody learns to parkour faster than a parent chasing a toddler with a sharpie
So many homophobes turn out to be secretly gay that I’m nervous I’m secretly a giant spider
Me: My head hasn’t been in the right place lately.
GF: You might want to check up your ass.
Me: Can I use it for my socials?
Mugshot Photographer: No.
Writes “He owed me $50” in funeral guest book.
I just found out I have a half sister. It was the result of a magic trick gone really wrong.
Despite the newer research, many people are still afraid of sharks. We will call those people “the living.”
Me [double-clicking a word to select it]
Microsoft Word: are you trying to select this entire sentence?
Me: no, just the one word
Microsoft Word: ok are you trying to select the entire paragraph?
Me: no, just that word…
Microsoft Word: ok I’ll just delete this entire page
If you eliminate the delete option our tweets will become life sentences.
waiter: what would you like?
me: maybe the steak
waiter: and what about the duck?
duck: I’ll have the steak too
My current hobbies include buying crap that my kids don’t need and complaining that my kids’ crap is everywhere.
When zombies find campers in sleeping bags, I bet they think “mmm, people burritos.”
*Naming my child*
WIFE: What’s the girl version of Matt?
ME:… Mattress?
To the people complaining about my tweets. Sorry I’m not justifying your monthly subscription of $0
OTHER BOY: why are we all here anyway
ME: I think it’s for the milkshakes
LACTOSE INTOLERANT BOY IN THE YARD: oh no
every college guy’s fridge
I know a couple who’s kids names are Zayden, Izyan and Fender. They just named their new dog Dan.
Food shopping after I’ve eaten:
“That’ll be $56.93.”Food shopping when I’m hungry:
“That be $1,432.68. Do you need someone to assist you with your cart train?”
I’m trying to envision something more fitting than this election actually ending in a Biden-Trump fist fight and i cannot
Waiter: our chef’s special is a catfish
Me: *flips table* I KNEW IT
My son recovered from his illness while I was filling out all the paperwork in the waiting room.
4 drew a picture of a unicorn and asked if I’d stick it on the fridge and I said no because unicorns don’t like cold places but really it’s because the drawing was shit
Dyslexics are teople poo!
It’s going to be really hot over the next couple of days so please remember to leave out a wee bowl of cider & blackcurrant incase a goth comes into your garden.
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: rewatching Frozen.
Wife: why?
Me: so I know what’s going on when I take our Daughter to see Frozen II.
Wife: why?
Me: so we can talk about both movies on the drive home.
Wife: why?
Me: cause she loves Frozen and I want to share this with her.
My husband helped me relax by going to the store for some gift bags for my son’s upcoming birthday. He just returned victorious and presented me with a bunch of brown paper lunch sacks.
In my defense,
I was left unsupervised.