Me: What do you want for Christmas?
Him: You not telling me I did something wrong for a whole day.
Me: no. Think of something else.
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Found $10 in a pants pocket. It was awkward though because someone was still wearing it.
Who let the owls out WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO
I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I remained calm; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.
[Traffic jam]
CAR 1: Hoonk!
CAR 2: Honk!
CAR 3: Honk, hooonk!
ME: *Holding up my goose* No pressure, Chester, whenever you’re ready.
Zombies..stay away from junk people or you’ll gain a shit-ton of weight.
If you hate awkward silences, then necrophilia isn’t for you.
Body: go to sleep
Brain: what country has the largest population of goats? Better run a search on this
Me: Congratulations on becoming a master criminal.
Cousin: I earned a master’s degree in criminology.
Me: So do you get a bigger share of the loot from heists now or what?
When your great-grandchildren call you racist for thinking all monkeys look the same.
ME: I have crab like reflexes
DAD:I think you mean cat like reflexes
ME: [sitting in pot of boiling water] what
Me: Where’s the remote?
Toddler: I didn’t eat it!
If you think you’re having a bad morning, my son is crying because his sock doesn’t feel right.
*Starts cutting the chicken of the person next to me at a dinner party out of habit*
Wife (from the other room): Rick, what time is it?
Me: It’s 3:50
Wife: Really? Or did you accidentally hit the Preheat button on the oven again?
Me: Of course not. I’m not a total idiot!
Wife: OK. Sorry.
Me: Now it’s 3:75
i love diet soda i don’t care if it gave rats tumours i’m way bigger and stronger than a rat
I’ve never seen a workplace Hanukkah display that didn’t shout, “We legally had to do this.”
Them: I haven’t seen you in a long time.
Me: You’re welcome.
Hotel Security just knocked on my door to deliver a package. He asked for indentification. I showed him my book,with my name and face on it
“Can we op..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”
“Can we ha..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”
“Can..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”Christmas Day
“EAT EVERYTHING. NOW! IT’S GOING TO GO OUT OF DATE!”
FRIEND: Australia has 9 of the 10 world’s deadliest snakes
ME: OMG ONE ESCAPED?!
I WANT NERVOUS CHAIR!!!!!!!!!!!!
Yes, I’ll fight for the last samble of cheese. We all fought for our ”right to party”, remember? The bar is low
My son almost missed his plane because he thought his seat number was the gate number.
The same kid they said was *gifted* when he was four.
finally caved and watched tiger king. shit is bananas. the uncle killed the dad while the kid watched, then the kid ran away and hung out with a warthog and a meerkat for years? then he hallucinated his dad talking to him from the sky? weird
Most arachnophobes end up secretly being spiders themselves
american computer: would u like to enable cookies
british computer: alroyt mate do u want biscuits on yer laptop innit bruv
Every night at I say baby do you want to snuggle and watch tiktok
He hands me the remote and goes to bed
And that’s how it’s done
Be the reason why the lights flicker when you enter a room.
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…Florist- “Umm. You’re gonna have to pay for those.”
[Getting lucky on the first date]
Me: Hey, there’s an onion ring in my fries!