The children seemed disappointed when I told them the best part about being an adult is going to bed early.
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The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’
My brother said he’d have to call me back because he had to “take a shit.” That was six hours ago. At what point should I start to worry?
[i get home to find a note on the refrigerator that says “i’m leaving and i’m taking the kids”]
ME: *unplugs fridge from power outlet* you’re not going anywhere you piece of shit
she’s a 10 but excel thinks she’s an October
[robber pulls gun]
ME: take my money but please don’t hurt me i’m an only child
MY DAD: [yelling from the car] he’s lying he has a brother
My 8-year-old son told me my veins on the back of my legs are looking better, thus showing me he really knows how to compliment a woman.
Got kicked out of the supermarket for aggressively cuddling the peaches again
The order the Star Wars movies are being released is based on the order in which Yoda would count from one to nine.
Google:
“Never run away from a black bear or approach him. Make yourself look as big as possible.”Me:
*hands bear a magnifying glass*
Dual Citizenship: citizenship of two countries concurrently.
Duel Citizenship: a contest for citizenship between two people with deadly weapons.
“What do your tattoos mean?” That I had $200 and no one stopped me
How many light bulbs does it take to fix a person?
Saw this crow emerge from a dumpster with two-thirds of a whole bagel, and the other crows stopped like they’d seen someone pull the sword from the stone. Gonna ask if they need Merlin.
When folding laundry, I don’t like to match my socks. I put them in there willy nilly and let them find their own mate. This isn’t the 1800s
i was one of the palm trees waving around in the background of every 16 bit game in the 90’s so yes random guy you do know me from somewhere
Remember when you were 16 in drama class and you were like “Pfft. Whatever, I’ll never use this” and then your parents open their now empty liquor cabinet and you had to be like “Forsooth! What treachery has befallen my family?”
BREAKING NEWS: Due to the horrible conditions at Sochi, the Olympics have been moved to a much safer place.. Chernobyl.
[Calling a guy for the 1st time]
Him: Hello
Me: Helloooooo!!! *in Mrs. Doubtfire’s voice*
*panics, hangs up*
[Before 9 was invented]
7: damn I’m hungry
Literally infuriating seeing so many people still going out to pubs. I came here for a quiet drink!
Lois: “I saw Batman yesterday. He’s put on a lot of weight”
Clark: *lowers glasses* “More like Fat-
Lois: “Oh my god it’s Superman”
(me hosting a paranormal show): you look like you’ve seen a ghost!
Director: for the tenth time please stop saying that
Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.
Dandelions are just like regular lions, except they wear ascots.
It’s only a matter of time before the casino realizes that baby I lost at the roulette table wasn’t mine
Mom, here’s a picture of my bf, he’s a musician
“That’s just the stock image that comes with the frame”
ur wrong, mom. Me and DJ 8×10 are in love
My milkshake brought a colony of extremely aggressive fire ants to my yard. 🙁
the neighborhood teens have left so many burning bags of garbage on my lawn that everyone thinks that this is the place you burn garbage now
“Holy infant so tender and mild.”
-cannibals