The Joker did a lot of horrific things but the thing I objected to the most was him bringing a date to his open mic.
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I’m too polite to tell you that I dislike you, but if I ever serve you kale…take the hint.
Husband, opening our kitchen drawer while asking, “Do we know where the scissors have disappeared?” Looks around and promptly closes the drawer.
Me, opening the same kitchen drawer without looking in, hands him the scissors.
one time I was in the hospital elevator with a resident and then the elevator got stuck and I was like “omg we are going to die” and she was like “omg YES I needed this today” and sat down and started eating a granola bar
the human wiped away my eye booger. only to pet it back onto me. i have never experienced such betrayal
God: you can go on land and water.
Turtle: nice, but what’s the shell on my back for?
God: that’s where you live.
Turtle: oh my gosh.
God: what?
Turtle: I have a house boat!
“Oh man, you’ve got stretched lobes and piercings? I’ve got stretched lobes and piercings, too!”
“Sweet! We should hang out!”
– Ear buds
Maybe there’s no sunshine when he’s gone, but at least I don’t have to fight over the remote.
Here is a little money saving tip that I’ve learned: If you spend all of your money on tattoos, then technically, your money will be with you forever.
9y/o~poking finger on my face.
Me(yelling)~dont touch me with your finger
Later~glad he got loophole now what to do with a foot on my face
wife: [crying] “he always calls me weird pet names”
therapist: “what do you mean?”
me: [arriving late] “what’s wrong my little hovercraft?”
May I pay you handsomely, good sir?
-Why yes you may.
*opens wallet*
*pulls out Ryan Gosling*
Just got rid of cable and now I can afford a mansion.
My 9yo just asked me: if I fail a test was it me who did bad or the teacher? 🤯
Bottles of beer on the wall, red balloons, and Jay Z’s problems wish former President Jimmy Carter a happy birthday.
*school is cancelled indefinitely*
My kids: Mom, why are you crying?
No autocorrect, I don’t want to bang a bunch of hot chimps.
I will not be participating in the end of daylight savings time on the grounds that setting my clock back will add an hour to 2020.
I’ve got so much respect for Jack White calling his song “seven nation army”, mentioning the seven nation army in the first line and then never saying another thing about them
me: *filling my plate with a heaping pile of mashed potatoes*
brain: THIS IS PORTION CONTROL PUT THE SERVING SPOON DOWN WE REPEAT PUT TH
me: *goes radio silent*
waitress: *showing me around the restaurant* welcome, is this your first time?
me: no no I’ve eaten food before
Watching JAWS and really identifying with the shark
The real reason Darth Vader cut off Luke’s hand was because he touched the thermostat
*loses faith in humanity*
“this is the type of problem that can only be solved by 13 photos of unlikely animal friendships”
Tom’s of Maine is a really good deodorant to buy if you don’t mind spending a little extra to smell like you don’t use deodorant.
Me: I’ll have a medium coffee
Barista: That’ll be $3.95
Me: With a splash of almond milk
Barista: That’ll be $17.95
i’m sure it’s fine
“Daddy, what’s for breakfast?”
“Its 5am. Anything you can reach”
Accomplish whatever tasks you have today with the confidence of a kid who claims to have brushed their teeth
[old couple feeding ducks in the park]
“Nothing could ruin this Edna”
*I scare all the ducks away, punch the old man and steal their bread
I’m planning to adopt a dog soon, it wasn’t my first choice but my doctor told me I can’t have any biologically.