Sock seller: sorry, no Christmas discounts
Centipede grandma: please I have 1 grandchildren
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13-year-old: Do you know where the cord is to the electric keyboard?
Me, knows exactly where it is: No.
Everyone has something they believe in.
I believe in drinking before noon.
Organ harvesting really creeps me out, so I’m doing what I can to make mine unsalvageable.
wife: Do you want a bowl?
me [eating ice cream out of the carton] Why?
Bone Doctor: Make 3 changes to your diet. Up calories…protein…and foods high in calcium.
Me: *eyes light up* So cheese, cheese and cheese!
Me: My first wife loved this movie.
Wife: I AM your first wife!
Me: And you love this movie, DON’T YOU?!?
My ex was saved in my phone as “the antichrist” until my children were able to read.
Arguing about whether to hang toilet paper “over” or “under” is two sides of the same coin, and keeps you in the frame defined for you by capitalism. Wake up and realize that the true working class move is letting it sit on the counter and never hanging it at all
If you don’t wear pants, you’ll never poop them.
– Old folks home fortune cookie
Before Batgirl can become Batwoman she has to have a Batmitzvah.
So it’s okay for the cat to run away and hide under the bed when visitors turn up.
But when I do it, I’m “antisocial”.
I call bullshit.
I impose tariffs on my children by taking a bite of each Poptart before I hand it to them, and let me tell you, the markets don’t like it
You know where I’d like to go?
Missing
if ur ever losing an argument all u have to say is “yeah yeah yeah, save it for the judge” and walk away
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m an accountant
Me: oh nice
Date: thanks
Me:
Date:
Me: so how many ants have u counted so far
Just saw 2 men with nets, a bag of worms and some rods. Definitely something fishy going on
My husband and I called my sweet, 85-year-old grandma to tell her I got a new job.
She congratulated us, talked for a bit, and then hung up.
Later she called me to say I should open a secret bank account and never tell my husband about it.
My grandma is fierce.
*mob meeting*
ayo new guy—who’re you?“they call me the butcher”
oh yea? why’s that, butch?
*smacks him with a pork loin* “no reason”
how did they feed babies before the airplane was invented?
I’ve been singing “it’s the most wonderful time of the year” to my kids in honor of school starting, and wow, are they mad about it.
Whenever I see someone at a restaurant eating all alone I always think the same thing, “lucky”
gordon ramsay: ok chefs you must prepare an appetizer, soup, a main course, and a dessert you have 30 minutes time starts now
me: *struggling to open a bagged salad*
Everyone out here workin’ on their cores and I’m just tryna get as close as possible to the drive thru window so I don’t have to stretch.
ME: So when you’re saying mass is it the real you or are you using your altar ego lol
PRIEST: *rolling up his sleeves* Forgive me Lord for what I am about to do
*1941 movie pitch*
“So it’s about an elephant w/big ears and we call him stupid then torture his mother.”
Walt Disney, “I smell a winner.”
When I lose my keys people tell me to retrace my steps but they really should just say go check in the refrigerator.
Has anyone checked Kate Middleton’s attic for a half-played game of Jumanji? I just don’t think we can rule anything out at this stage.
I’ve yet to find a romantic comedy that speaks to me. Maybe if they set it in an institution or an Arby’s restroom.
ME: Jealousy destroys everything it touches
ANTIQUE DEALER: Weird thing to name your cat but you still have to pay for everything it broke