i love driving becuase it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad
You Might Also Like
Have you ever cropped a picture as you texted it; the crop didn’t stick and now your wife is asking who that woman is?
fair
Me: *finally asleep*
Raccoons: Let’s have a rave on the deck and scare the shit out of her at 4am!
Changing my name to ‘free unlimited high-speed wifi’ so everyone will love me.
My mother is the strongest woman I know.
You should see how far she could throw a shoe.
Check your privilege
Trust me, it’s all filters and angles. I’m actually a saint bernard.
Woke up last night and the ghost of Gloria Gaynor was standing over my bed. At first I was afraid, i was petrified.
Were those thousands of turtle lives worth the life of one stupid, spoiled Princess with a strange fetish for Italian plumbers?
You say jump I say how high. You say run I say how fast. You say lets hang out I say no.
[parole hearing]
OFFICER: are u reformed?
ME: I—
O: go on
M: I th—
O: tell us
M: I’m—
O: yes
M: can I finish my sentence
O: ok parole denied
Just saw a guy sitting with a Blackberry and a newspaper. I think he was waiting for a horse.
do you have any idea how fast you were going?
“no, I’m not wearing my contacts”
They say New Zealand has a sheep population of over 60 million
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?
*answering phone* Mom you know instead of calling me you can just text, it’s easier.
*gets text from Mom* It’s your mother. Call me.
Them: Describe the joys of parenthood in 2 words.
Me: The what?
jerry would invest in crypto but gain nothing
george would invest and lose everything
kramer would become a billionaire
elaine would call them all stupid until she starts dating a crypto guy
I want what every guy wants: To be involved in a rooftop chase.
My kid microwaved a fork. My dog barked at an Amazon Prime box for 4 hours. Just waiting for the third verse of my country song.
Me: There aren’t enough hours in the day
Also me: Spends 15 minutes scrolling a comment section and taking a quiz to find out what kind of cheese I am
Team SnapChat: Merry Christmas!
Me (tear rolling down my cheek): they remembered
Good morning to everyone, especially those who say “oh ffs, what now?” Every time their news notification on their phone goes off
I just slipped on a banana peel.
It didn’t fit.
Dog people always act like dogs are so much better than cats but as a cat person just wanna say that you never see cats working with the cops
i hated what my teen was wearing today so i told him i loved it and it looked “dripping bruh”. he changed. follow me for more parenting advice
lot of dog owners seem to think their dog has the right of way over me on the sidewalk. nice try buddy i will play chicken with your french bulldog and i will mow him down
Me: finally drifting off to sleep
The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this
CENTAUR: My dad slept with a horse
MINOTAUR: My mum slept with a bull
PIGOTAUR: My dad was Prime Minister.
aliens probably fly past earth and lock their doors
Sorry I didn’t call you back, I got distracted for 7 years when I had kids