Oh, you’re about to earn your 3rd master’s degree? I’m still working on spelling “bananas” without singing “Hollaback Girl” in my head.
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“I told Stu that he’d had too much to drink,” said one of the four, asking not to be identified, “he had no business being behind the wheel.”
[Ouija board]
“Hey spirits, talk to us”
W H A T S U R F R I E N D S N A M E H E S C U T E
“fml”
*Looks left*
*Looks right*
*Crosses road*
*Gets run over by chicken*
Snakes full of cheese instead of poison would certainly improve the atmosphere at this church.
Blood is thicker than water but has nothing on Thousand Island dressing.
Dear diary,
Today I learned drinking electrolytes does not give you electrical powers. must now find other ways to become a super villainess
Of course I’ve slept in the wet spot
My ex drooled like a Komodo dragon
I was gonna say “that’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard” but, I wanna wait to hear what you have to say next..
#CancelDJDarrellRipley
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, he could speak more languages than that. He had racist shoulders. His front teeth were impatient.
“There’s a sleeping person. Let’s go ask it questions.” – Children
Being a mother is really quite rewarding.
At tax time.
I understand that t-shirt guns exist but what about shooting pants at people? This seems useful too
There is no casual way to ask someone to move in with you. It’s a very big step in any relationship. It takes careful planning & excellent timing to figure out how to approach that conversation. That said, it’s not impossible to lure a raccoon into your home. In this essay,
Make porridge seem more glamorous by describing it as “Oat Cuisine”.
word gets around the prison that i’ve been digging a tunnel. one night they follow me down and find me in my ball pit. they don’t seem to understand freedom
Sometimes words are just not enough
And for such occasions, I have this flamethrower
OF COURSE I’m not on my first box of Christmas Tree Cakes! ARE YOU NUTS?!… I’m on my second.
[alternate universe]
Aladdin: 🎵 The Exact Same World🎵
This is the dumbest apocalypse ever
Where does the Easter Bunny lay his eggs?!
In the grass..
So WHAT DO WE SMOKE TO CELEBRATE?!
[all the children]
Grass??
Yessssss.
TWEET CALL
Thank you to 15k of you who followed me for one reason or another! Please share one tweet from you or a friend and please consider donating to this friend of mine. She is in a bad place and trying to get out, please share if you can ❤️
When I die I want to be cremated and my ashes spread all over my bedroom…so my wife can clean up after me one more time.
I apologise for the way I acted when you said the McRib was back and then told me you were kidding.
Reduce stage fright with a little vodka before the show.
Bring enough vodka for everyone, and you won’t even have to perform.
In Canada, street racing is just people competing to see who can dig their car out of the snow first.
Haters gonna hate
Alligators gonna alligate
Waiters gonna wait
Jet Fuel can’t melt steel beams
Potatoes gonna potate
doctor: and are u sexually active
puppet: he is not
doctor: i cant mark it down on the chart if it doesn’t come out of ur mouth
me (sadly putting my puppet down): i am not
the person who wrote the program that estimates how much time is left on a software update did not take their job seriously at all
I accidentally put my yoga pants on backwards this morning; and I’m absolutely horrified to say, they’ve never fit better.