*Attempts to give a Homeless guy change*
Him: Thanks. You never know, one day my situation might be you.
Me: Really? *holds on to change*
You Might Also Like
Imagine going on a date with someone holding a fish in their dating profile picture and when you get to the restaurant it’s just a salmon sitting there waiting
Me, to myself: you are your harshest critic and no one else will notice your face is breaking out
3: Mommy! Is that a pimple? Is that a pimple? Wow, you have so many pimples! They’re everywhere!
Returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.
I punched my monitor
Now my hand Hz.
It’s like my Grandma always says, “I died three years ago. This is starting to get weird.”
ME: *peeing in the ocean*
WIFE: at least go in past your waist
Detective: Don’t leave town.
Me, thinking about gas money: Ok
[first date]
me: what’s ur favorite word?her: probably “ethereal,” it means-
me: mine is “shuttlecock.”
You can’t rush stupid.
When my Uncle died the obituary said that he ‘passed away in the warmth of his own home.’
It was a house fire.
It’s very rude to not refer to the manager at Burger King as “Your Majesty”.
The only spanish I know is from the song Feliz Navidad, so these last few days have been my time to shine.
My kid put her little stethoscope to my stomach and told me I was “full of bees,” and now I’m stressed because I’m pretty confident my insurance won’t cover this.
I may be fat now, but you’re stupid forever.
I put an ad in Craigslist for a muscular blonde with strong arms, excessive body hair and a thick British accent so I’m dating Madonna now.
Dolls on drugs
Next time, I will just serve my guests pretty envelopes with the stories I’ve learned searching for a new recipe.
Cat is stressing him out.
Didn’t realize “bottomless” mimosas referred to the drink and not the dress code, my apologies to everyone in this airport.
Sometimes I feel doomed in dating, but then a random internet man with a profile pic of Deadpool writes “that’s cause u havent been with me yet ;)” and I am filled with joy and hope
*exits the van with a bag of candy and a new puppy*
I expected that to go differently
Transcript of Paul Ryan’s life since endorsing Trump
POSSIBLE NEW IDIOMS:
Quite off your apples
Jumping the night train to Milan
Sequin queen in the salad bar
Lickin’ with the wrong parts
Giddy-nope!
If I wanted baklava I’d’ve brought some syrup
Flamingo laws
Stoplight the conference call
Thwack, thwack, I’m a ruler
Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.
God making Khaki
God: I want a material that can be dressed up or dressed down
Angel: Nice!
G: But it shows every pee drip
A: Hilarious!
CARPET SALESMAN: [sighing, handing me another sample] What about this one for your bedroom?
ME: Hmmm no that one is also far too small
I saw a guy that had a knife on his belt tonight and I thought, “now there’s a guy that’s really prepared to slice some cake”
Are you watching too much T.V but not doing enough reading? Turn your subtitles on. Boom, problem solved!
My wife just texted that there’s “garlic dread in the freezer”. I’m afraid to look.
Home Alone is my favorite movie about how child neglect and bad parenting is hilarious