ME: We left the kids at their grandparents
FRIEND: Date night?
ME: No we just don’t like them anymore
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The groom watches his bride slowly raise the hem of her beautiful lace gown in preparation for the garter game revealing a giant pair of shiny red clown shoes and suddenly the line about “in circus and in health” made perfect sense.
I need to find just the perfect men’s swimsuit and then only ever wear it twice annually
Making fun of someone’s age is like mocking them for getting hit by a train because you’re standing a little further down the tracks.
Marital Status: My husband is mad at me because I cheered for the wrong college football team.
Cleanliness is next to godliness in a dictionary missing some stuff
Not to brag but the guy working at the liquor store said I looked like I didn’t need any help.
Me: I’m exhausted
Fitbit: You have taken 11 steps today
If your wife offers to cook you eggs and bacon at 3 in the morning, it’s not your wife and you’re at the Waffle House drunk again.
[High school reunion]
Me: I’m in the army now.Friend: I thought you were either going to be a referee or an attorney.
Me: Yeah I couldn’t decide between boxers and briefs so I went commando
And to my kids I leave an endless supply of screenshotted recipes that I never made but also refused to delete. With these images I also bequeath a drawer full of condiments and sporks from all the takeout we had instead.
Me: Why is a squid throwing away all my stuff?
Calamarie Kondo: What
*looks at 4 children*
“You leave me no choice.”
*eats last 3 cookies*
[Don’t let hot barrista know I’m a goose]
“Can I get you a coffee?”
Just a honk chonklate for me
“A what?”
CHOCOLATE, a hot chocolate plz.
when my parents were divorced they had a ski race to see who kept custody of us. things worked different in the 80s
Me: Look, I love you, But I made exactly the amount of cheese & crackers I want to eat right now.
Wife: But I only…
Me: EXACTLY the amount
My daughter has a middle school government test today. So I figured the best way to help her study was to weave the material into our convo when she complained this am
Jurassic Park is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.
“If you build a lasagna, I will come.”
– Garfield of Dreams
Maybe the wolf from The Neverending Story still has nightmares about me, too.
[Cop flashes headlights behind me]
WIFE: I think he wants you to stop
ME: No I think he wants a street race
[A few minutes later]
ME: *taking a corner at 90mph* Guess I was right again, huh Linda
There should be a guy with a leaf blower to dry my hands in the washroom at Home Depot.
The real reason evolution started..😂
I only date men who have cats because they’ve been pre-trained to try and figure out what you want if you just stare at them long enough.
A legal holiday weekend implies the existence of an illegal holiday weekend
chiropractor: so how’s your back been?
backstreet: alright
[my first day at Marvel Comics]
Me: [calling my mom] I already created a new superhero!
Boss: [bursting into my office, furious] who tf is the Couscousinator?!
I’ve just seen my doctor quickly close the Wikipedia page for ‘bones’
i’ll see your “live laugh love” sign and raise you an “ew, people”
hot girl doing pouty lips: wow she is so sexy
me doing pouty lips: are…are you going to puke, you have to tell me if you’re going to puke
I have just one word for beautiful women with questionable morals, poor decision making skills and an insatiable sex drive,
“Hi”.