*Paul Ryan watches a children’s hospital explode*
Hhhhmmm, an affordable source of heat and light
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I think the worst thing I would wish on an enemy is that their closet rod is too heavy and crashes off the wall in the middle of the night
Me: Where is the string?
Craft store employee: Yarn?
Me: Just string.
Him: For?
Me: Tying things? Maybe in the garden section…
Him: So you want twine.
Me: What? No, string.
[Half hour later]
Me, sobbing: Please, I just want to tie things
Feel. He鈥檚 so soft.
Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
Double cheeseburgers don’t make you fat, eating them does.
Mom: Want to come over for dinner?
Me: No thanks, already ate
Mom: What did you have?
Me: Peanut butter
Mom: With?
Me: Spoon
I would like to officially apologize to my toddler for cutting her left pancake before I cut her right pancake, I don鈥檛 know what I was thinking
Me: hello I would like to take care of my bones
Health Insurance: Sure thing! How about an x-ray? Would you like a cast?
Me: no, the bones in my mouth
Health Insurance: OH HO HO no, not your TEETH bones
I’m going to say sky diving is probably not for me since I just screamed when the toilet seat shifted.
I am bringing 21 tamales to Thanksgiving because it鈥檚 the year 2021 and also because I ate three of them already.
If ovens self clean when the temperature inside is above 800掳, why is my car still dirty?
For your final meal request to eat the electric chair and then the warden will be like well now what do we do he ate our electric chair
rise and shine we got egg
without fail i always get felt up by the tsa which is fine because air travel is expensive and i want my money鈥檚 worth
Pretty wild how people love surprises until that surprise is finding you hiding in their bushes
If I were British I would carry around a monicle and drop it whenever I was horrified
My kid brought home a school fundraiser packet in case anyone wants a $43 roll of wrapping paper or an $80 candle.
One of my students looked at me this morning and said I must have had a rough morning so if your feelings are easily hurt teaching might not be for you
i got blood on my iphone the other day and before i could wipe it off siri made a slurpy noise and it was gone
I call my nephews “Dude” and “Homie” because I’m the cool Aunt! (I don’t know their names.)
Me: when I was your age we had nine planets
6: what happened? We only have 8 now.
Me: aliens destroyed one because the kids wouldn鈥檛 keep their room clean.
6: 馃槼
Hubby: um honey…
Me: what? It鈥檚 better than the truth!
I enjoy April Fool’s Day because I like responding to fake pregnancy announcement texts with “no wonder you’ve been looking chubby”.
My bra as colander, catching stray food since age 15.
All of my loved ones know, that if I ever use the phrase
鈥滺e seemed nice, but he was a Capricorn” in a call, they need to get the cops involved, ’cause I’ve been kidnapped.
Google would like to use your current location. Allow/Deny? Allow
*100 Google employees throw a party at my house*
Soon a hero will rise. Then he will fall again. Then he will rise and also fall. Wait. The hero is on a trampoline.
Hit the showers. Smack a sink. Verbally assault a bathtub. Make everyone at Home Depot uncomfortable.
I watched someone give a Starbucks Unicorn Frappuccino to a homeless woman. She took one sip and threw it in the trash.
hoping nobody noticed you peed in the pool like