How many days should i wait before i call my senator, i don’t want to seem desperate
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feb 14: i love everything about u
feb 15: don’t breathe like that
if you wear a bikini top instead of a bra you can go out with wet hair & people will think you just went swimming which is athletic not lazy
Apple CEO Tim Cook has come out as gay. This totally explains why the new iPhone charger holes became tighter after Steve Jobs died.
I’m usually a smart man but when my wife went into labor with our first born I brought my laptop to the hospital because my Farmville crops needed to be harvested before they died. She really had bad timing with that whole “labor” thing.
“Paper beats rock, Charles!”
My dog was outside barking like a maniac, so I opened the back door and screamed, “Jesus Christ! Get in the God damn house!”
Two minutes later, my husband came home and told me that our neighbors are having an Easter egg hunt…outside.
I guess I have to move now.
Neighbor was pissed because Scrappy was barking this morning, I told him well you can’t get upset it’s what dogs do, especially after finding human bones in the yard.
I quit smoking ten years ago, but every once in a while, I still enjoy a camel when I’m driving.
SON: I’m moving out as soon as I turn 18 and you can’t stop me.
ME: [pumping fist] If you insist.
I swear I won’t be undressing you with my eyes again. That REALLY hurt!
My wife is mad at me because I gave up looking for one particular black sock in a basket full of socks and after having pulled 7 different black socks out I quit.
Establish dominance by walking around a Spirit Halloween dressed as Santa Claus.
[in the world of chess]
kings: here’s a sword
bishop: what do i do with this? i can’t even run straight
*puts seashell up to ear*
Me: I think I can hear the ocea-
Seashell: Seven days. You will die in seven days.
Me: (to friend) It’s for you.
Name a cuter carnivore than a penguin. I’ll wait.
Excluding leopards sleeping high in tree branches. Or fossa. And meerkats, obviously.
Okay so name an aquatic carnivore that’s cuter. Ha! You can’t. Except maybe otters and baby sea turtles I guess, you know what, forget it.
if the groundhog comes out without a mask its 6 more months of quarantine
If ever a burglar entered my house, I take comfort in knowing they’d never get past the 17 pairs of shoes in the hallway.
I’m starting to get to the age where I need a well thought out plan in order to stand up.
I knew all that yoga stretching and bending would come in useful some day…
…I thought to myself as I contorted my entire body to retrieve a mini chocolate egg that had rolled under the bed.
There’s something mentally wrong with people who ask other parents if their baby isn’t the cutest baby they’ve ever seen
Sorry I can’t make it to lunch today. I forgot to shorten “people” to ppl in a text this morning and now I’m totally behind schedule.
Will I. Am’s headstone will read “Will I. Was,” completing history’s longest set-up to a punchline
Oh, you’re a rock fan? Name 3 rocks
[slashing food truck tires]
friend: wtf are you doing?!
[running away with arms filled with tacos] YOU COMIN OR NOT?!
New Subway rule: You must give the person in front of you a wedgie if they take more than 5 seconds to choose what kind of bread they want.
“This is the fourth lot of bacon to go missing this week. It can only mean one thing.”
“What’s that Sarge?”
“Someone’s building a pig.”
MUM 😳
MERRY CHRISTMAS TO YOU TOO.
Don’t throw away leftovers! Put them in the fridge for a week to justify it first
The Shining is my favorite Christmas movie about enjoying quality time with the family when you’re snowed in.
The year is 2087. We finally have flying cars. Grey’s Anatomy has been on for 82 years.