I told my tween son to spend 10 minutes cleaning his room. He then attempted to convince me for the next 20 minutes he was too busy to clean his room.
You Might Also Like
Who’s Rudolph’s favourite pop star?
Beyon-sleigh.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
How’s virtual school going for you? I’ll start.
My son was late to his PE class because he was making nachos.
Sometimes, when I’m in a deep contemplative mood, I wonder what ants get in their pants…
[physicist excited about a misprinted real estate flyer]
“Honey, check this out! Four mathrooms!”
You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone? That’s your common sense leaving your body.
If your tweet gets stolen and posted on Facebook…
It’s your own fault for not making it offensive enough!
[coworker barging in my office] can I ask you something?
[me clicking off the santa tracker website in april] is it about how to knock jeff?
a centaur has six limbs, a lower abdomen (horse torso), and an upper thorax (human torso), categorically making it a bug
Adorable idea. Colleagues have been writing names on their food in the office fridge. I am currently eating a yoghurt called Debbie
Wife: Silent
Me: What’s wrong?
Wife: Nothing
Me: Grabs shield and sword
First zoom call: wears business casual, styles hair, places orchid in view of camera
Latest zoom call: Holding a beer at 9am, wearing Biore strip, blood on shirt, do not know whose
Happy Victorian Christmas, the sparrows are coming for us all
Robert Downey Jr. will always be my hero, not because of Iron Man, but because he broke into someone’s home just to take a nap.
My mother: What color do you look good in?
Me: Not the one I’m wearing right now, apparently.
If i ever experience an earthquake my first thought will probably be it’s godzilla.
One of my sons says he likes my new haircut, and the other will have to twirl a sign outside a Mattress Firm to pay for college, I guess.
Me: My Amazon order arrived!
Him: What did you get?
Me: *scratches behind dragon’s ears* Nothing important.
Him: New happy pills?
Me: Maybe.
“Why have a ballroom, with no Balls?”
-Disney’s Frozen
I paused the movie to tweet this…
*walks in on son making batman & iron man action figures kiss*
wtf?
“dad i can explain”
u should never EVER mix the dc & marvel universes
I like that movie where the lion roars at the very beginning.
*at family function..
*superglues jenga tower
Paranormal Activity would be more unsettling if the room started messy and the ghost cleaned it
So let me get this straight, she shot someone through the heart and the worst thing you can say about her is that she gives love a bad name?
Me: Man T-Rexes looked so cool
Scientist: Nah actually they looked like giant idiot birds
Me: Oh bummer. They were great hunters tho
Scientist: There’s evidence they were scavengers
Me: Ok maybe just stop ruinin-
Scientist: They wore socks with sandals
I found stir fry all over my bed this morning.
I must’ve been sleep wokking again.
Not gonna lie, I’m pretty proud of this one.
The very existence of a flying mammal is intrinsically insulting to a flightless bird. Hence the huge animosity involved in The Penguin vs Batman.
I don’t understand interventions. What’s the point of being told u drink too much by a room full of the reasons u drink in the first place?
*I sit bolt upright in bed, drenched in sweat*
HER: Did you have the zombie nightmare again?
ME: (thinking about the time everybody sang ‘happy birthday’ to me and I accidentally joined in) Yes
Report: Scientist walks in on climate changing, awkwardness ensues