I wonder if the disciples got mad when Jesus got promoted to god like,
disciple 1: who did he have to heal to get this job?
disciple 2: his dad owns the company
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My Daughter wants a Cinderella-themed party, so I invited all her friends over and made them clean my house.
Saw a few feral dads at the grocery today. They’d lost their shopping lists and didn’t have phones. Store staff were attempting to feed them without being bitten.
Why’s it called casual sex? It’s not like people in relationships have sex in top hats…well not every time.
ME: I’m single and ready to Pringle.
CASHIER: I have never seen somebody buy that many tubes.
[commercial for soup]
NARRATOR: ever wanna drink a sandwich?
My dog is really picky on where she poops. For instance, she will only choose a lawn where the homeowner is outside to make eye contact with me.
“Where is the pooping bathroom?” I casually ask the hostess at the holiday party I’ll never be invited to again.
WE ARE CURRENTLY EXPERIENCING HIGH CALL VOLUMES. WE RECOMMEND HOLDING THE PHONE AWAY FROM YOUR EAR.
I’m wearing a tuxedo to work today in protest of casual Friday.
Fun morning at work…does Costco sell voodoo dolls in bulk?
What idiot called it Catfishing your Tinder Contacts and not Playing With Matches
Sick and tired of my bank account taking a hit whenever I buy stuff.
Me: what kind of birthday cake do you want?
7: I want a big Star Wars cake with blue frosting at the top and green frosting at the bottom, little stars all over, a baby yoda on top and when you cut it open, M&M’s flow out like a waterfall.
Me: I meant chocolate or vanilla.
*calls psychic hotline*
Psychic: how can I help you?
Me: well this is bullshit.
Whoever came up with ‘the world is our oyster’ must’ve really been into mucus.
a shrimp? am i to accept, as god’s own truth, that the sea’s very own abominable and chittering roach, was the one who took wok into hand and fried this rice?
[job interview]
Him: What’s your greatest strength?
Me: I’m very independent.
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: Tell him, Mom.
Mom: He is!
Me: you’ll be in school until 2035
My Kid: *confidently* that’s not a real number
Me: maybe even longer
These golfers behind me keep yelling, “Take your shot!” but they haven’t poured me any tequila.
if there’s something that needs to be picked up off the floor, I think to myself “do I really need it that bad” and most of the time the answer is “no” so I just leave the baby there
I’m renovating and I can’t decide if I should start with the plumbing in the kitchen or the pool.
It’s either sink or swim.
#PlumbingDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
liquor on the top shelf is so expensive because the bartender has to stand on their tippy toes to reach it
The one time I typed “the” correctly autocorrect changed it to tge
HAHA! Answer your phone silly. I called you like 18 times.
-I say as I climb through your window
Me: I’ll take $1,600, Alex.
Alex Trebek: In which category?
Me: No question. I just need $1,600.
I’m like Pac-Man because I travel in the dark to Dippin’ Dots stands to eat them, all while getting chased by members of the Ku Klux Klan.
*alarm goes off* me: how much do I really NEED this job?
When I was in first grade, my teacher asked me what my mom did for a living. I said “She sells drugs.” I meant she worked in pharmaceutical sales.
THERAPIST: are you still using euphemisms to get friends to go jogging
ME: no one ever wants to have the runs with me