Why don’t we raise more chickens that lay Cadbury Creme Eggs so we can have them year-round?
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Used the words “manic pixie dream boy” in therapy years ago and my therapist had no idea what it referred to and to this day continuously uses a different string of words for it “dream elf pretty boy” “party boy dream something”
#catsoftwitter
12653.
changed clouds to coulds and now the sky is full of possibilities
I’m putting salt in this mustard and I’m calling it Saline Dijon and you can’t stop me
Me: get murdered or die trying amirite
Doctor: then you have three months to get murdered
Cats won’t give away your position when someone knocks on the door. They hide with you, like understanding furry ninjas.
Me: *practicing selfie poses in the gym mirror*
Trainer: Ma’am, are you having a stroke?
Highway to Hell is my favorite song about walking down the aisle.
i like to try new things in the bedroom like getting a full 8 hours of sleep.
Every single employee in this hotel has said good morning to me. I’m never staying here again.
To bye at an auction you should bid adieu
Police Officer: i will arrest anyone who had a hand in this
Puppeteer: [visibly sweating] oh no
[dressed like Slave Leia]
Them: Haha ready for Halloween?
Me: Halloween?
Sent my husband to work with leftovers from dinner last night. His co-workers are going to be so jealous of his bowl of cereal.
Me: Are you ready for your spelling test?
6-year-old: I know all the words.
Me: Good.
6: Just not all the letters in them.
Wow, you’ve got a lot of hickeys Kris.
Me: Busy weekend *winks
*remembers wrestling that octopus at the aquarium for giving me side eye.
[concert parking lot]
SON: Can I have $20 for a shirt?
ME: Hold on. [grabs college kid] Want to buy a gummy? Purple Haze… $20. It’ll blow your mind.
KID: Sure! Here you go. Thanks!
SON: DAD… ARE YOU A DRUG DEALER?!?
ME: No, they’re from Costco. Here, go buy a shirt.
ME: This is false advertising. I’ve been here an hour and nobody has even touched me. So lonely.
COP: Again, not what a holding cell is for
I hope you prayed for me in church today.
There’s nothing I have going on, I just like the attention.
Thx
My bf: talking of politics, real world issues, upcoming events.
Me: do you think donkeys like the sound they make?
It always starts out “you’re so funny” and ends with “oh dear… oh my god… wtf”
The symmetry is uncanny.
dog: *snickers*
priest: *sighs*
Nice flex Egyptians, pyramids AND bedsheets.
My webcam business is failing, it’s like men would rather not pay to watch me cry.
my brain: you have over a thousand unread emails
me: yes
my brain: are you ever going to read them?
me: no
my brain: then delete them
me: no
when someone compliments me
If I had a crystal ball, I’d probably walk differently.
4: I’m gonna hide this in a secret spot!!
*2 min later*: MOM! COME SEE MY SECRET SPOT!