[GOP Debate]
MODERATOR: this question is for Senator Cruz. How will you handle zodiackillersayswhat?
CRUZ: what?
MODERATOR: I knew it!
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2019: The floor is lava.
2020: The year is lava.
if you’re havin girl problems I feel bad for you son, I got 99 problems and they’re all bottles of beer on the wall
The next Godzilla/King Kong universe movie:
“How I Met Your Mothra”
ME [proudly]: I threw a penny in and made a wish
CORONER [reopening the chest cavity]: ugh we talked about this
wife: Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge!?
me [whispers to toddler] Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge?
toddler [whispers] Because that’s where the cheese is
me: Because that’s where the cheese is!
Sure, I’m uncomfortable, but only in situations
If I won the Mega Millions jackpot, I would pay my kids to be quiet for 5 minutes.
Alien: Take me to your leader.
Me: (nervous af) Look my wife is following a diet and she’s not in the best mood today…
Gave this artichoke the heimlich maneuver and now he’s artiokay.
I’m gods gift to women if god only shopped at Rite Aid.
I want to go see the new Queen movie but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
What do bats eat that makes their shit our standard for crazy?
[at restaurant]
Me: What’s under all that garnish?
Her: Nothing, it’s a salad.
[annoyed burglar waking me] you still have a VCR?
The good news is that my appetite has come back. The bad news is that my appetite has come back.
white people be like “omg i saw this hack on tiktok” and it’s just adding salt and pepper to their chicken
Me, when son comes for the weekend from college: I can’t wait to make a good dinner for him.
Me, when finding out his classes will be all online next quarter: Shit, now I have to cook more!
I had a friend named Nigel but after you’ve introduced him a few times the novelty wears off.
me: help! that guy stole my identity!
also me: no i didn’t
We’ve secretly replaced Janet’s coffee with melatonin capsules. Let’s see if— okay yeah, she noticed. She looks pissed. Sleepy, but pissed…
*me trying new contouring makeup
Them: now just blend it…blend it
Why are they called “grammar Nazis” and not “the Gestypo”?
if you want more reason to fell in love with Hozier, remember he said this:
[bar on St. Patrick’s Day]
him: SLANTY *clink*
me: I think you mean sláinte
him: no, slanty is how I stand after I drink Irish whiskey
Airbags should deploy in the form of balloon animals. Sure, you’ve been in an accident, but now you have a whimsical puppy dog.
my date is in 2 hours, which means I have very little time to fix my glasses and fix my bangs and get a career and lose 50 pounds
A Freudian sitcom would be How I Meant Your Mother
PITCHER: *throws a ball*
UMPIRE: Ball four. Walk!
AUDIENCE (who are dogs): *goes apeshit*
Me: An icicle is the perfect murder weapon. It just melts!!
He: I asked about the perfect date.
Apparently it’s “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.