When I put my mind to something I can procrastinate about anything.
You Might Also Like
[zombie apocalypse]
SURVIVOR: That Chuck E. Cheese looks safe let’s take shelter in it
ME: *banned from all Chuck E. Cheese’s for tongue kissing the animatronic rat* You guys go ahead
If you rub two sticks together fast enough, you’ll eventually start a widespread panic on the subway.
If you’re bored and looking for something to do this weekend, a reminder that you should not start running for president
wife: please be nice to my sister-in-law.
me: i’ll treat her like my own blood.
sister-in-law: hey guys.
me: [screams and passes out]
My eyebrows look like two caterpillars in a heated argument.
Waxing my car.
God knows how it ever got to be so hairy
Judge: Call your next witness
Prosecutor: The state calls Shakira’s hips
Judge: *whispering to bailiff* You don’t have to swear this one in
me: [flips over]
my bed: ah the cool side of the person
[taking my date for a walk in the woods]
HER: this sure is a dense forest
ME [trying to impress]: yeah it’s dumb as hell
Why are bridges so flammable.
My daughter knows what a meth lab is thanks to an episode of The Simpsons.
At least that’s what I had to tell child services just now.
The first workout after vacation week reminds you of how many cheeseburgers you had while on vacation
OBI WAN KENOBI: These are not the droids you’re looking for
GUARD: [licks lips] I’m not looking for droids handsome
It’s like my grandma always used to say, “Don’t go to the grocery store hungry and don’t go to the liquor store drunk.”
At the beach, looking at all these fit young people, with their perfect bodies and perfect tans and I think “I wish I could be a shark”.
To myself: ” Try and look like you know what you’re talking about in front of the mechanic. You’re a smart woman, don’t play dumb or you’re gonna get ripped off”
Me at the mechanic: “Car vroom sounds tikatikatika. Tee hee” *hands over credit card
son: Why do people tell jokes?
me: To make other people laugh
son: So why do you tell jokes?
Impress your date. Be wild. Flip the table. Flip it 360 so its upright again & nothing has moved except a roll that has flown into her mouth
ME AT A PARTY: oh we’ve met? i’m sorry i’m bad with faces
ME WATCHING A MOVIE: ok that guy in the background is character actor james rebhorn who was in meet the parents, independence day, the talented mr ri
Had salad for the third night in a row and now I get why you’re so angry, vegans
It’s not illegal to tell a ghost story when a cop shines a flashlight in your face
If I have 5 apples and I give you 2 of them, just take the other 3 cause I’m going out for tacos
[Me, watching my murderer wipe down everything as I’m dying]: “Oh, you don’t have to do that, don’t worry about it.”
Me: I want a raise
Boss: ok and why do you think you deserve a raise?
Me: that’s not what I said
-So YOU’RE the mother of this girl called..(checks notes) ..Riding Hood?
-Yes! Something happened to my beloved ch..
– Are you kidding me? You’re under arrest
I like my men like I like my coffee, tall, dark and left on top of my car
In Hell, you’re surrounded by people saying ‘suposably’ and ‘irregardless.’
Having to hide your euphoria when a friend says “I’m going to have to cancel tonight”
I can always end an argument with my wife by undressing; presto, she has a headache and goes to bed.
[Jedi Training]
TRAINER: Any questions?
STUDENT: Can the Force be with me?
TRAINER: I don’t know…CAN it?
STUDENT: Oh right…May the Force