The urge to say “yeah you should do that”, especially when you have no clue.
You Might Also Like
General Lee didn’t have kids?
A parent Lee not.
Kid, texting: MOM I’M HUNGRY!
Mom: *sends food emojis*
this is ur captain. sory for descending thru another cloud but ralph told me it was posible to land on one of these things so we keep trying
My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.
Come on guys, lemme back in the gang! I’m real good at crimes!
“No”
Why?
“YOU GOT ARRESTED BY A POLICE HORSE CARL HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE”
When you give them a gift card to a restaurant because you don’t like them enough to take to dinner.
I wish kid’s socks were biodegradable and came on rolls like paper towel. Just rip off a new pair every day and throw the only one you can find from yesterday in the garden
My cousin mad because he just found out his wife is on Tinder but he only saw her profile bc he was on Tinder being shiesty too… so now he can’t bring it up and is just pissed internally everyday
Is it wrong to eat a Blueberry Muffin that looks just like your dog?!
Diet app pops up “What did you have for dinner?”
*looking at glass of wine*
*turns off phone*
My husband gets so cranky when I come home from the pool with only a fraction of the kids I left with
therapist: if you don’t choose yourself, someone else will
me: agreed. i’ve decided to be a pterodactyl
therapist; that’s progress
me: haven’t tried flying yet
therapist: please don’t
me: you sound just like her
Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
Imagine Dragons.
No. Dragoner.
Postcards are just weird. It’s like, “Hey everyone, feel free to read what I wrote to my aunt until it’s delivered to her house.”
Thank you, Internet.
Thank you.
Getting up very early in the morning is a dawn thing task
Martin Shkreli has been arrested. Bail will be set, then quickly raised to an amount he can’t possible afford.
[2021]
One smoker left in the world. The Quit Smoking ads get personal.
HEY KEVIN, STOP SMOKING. YOU STINK. YOUR WIFE SAYS YOU NEED VIAGRA.
grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings
I dated Spider-Man for a while but my folks hated him. Dad was thoroughly disgusted by his onesie and neat freak Mom kept following him around with a broom.
guy: excuse me, can you jump my car
me: *tying shoes* probably how tall is it
guy: no like-
me: *handing phone* take a video
I’ve invented a new cologne that is just one part bug spray and three parts campfire
Banderslack Clamberdorch
[baby taking first step]
ME: OMG! He’s doing it!
BABY: My name is Steve and I’m an alcoholic
Happy Star Trick Day.
May you go forth with the confidence of baby Yoda.
How many tricks you get today anyway?
[rooster sits down in barber chair]
Give me a cockadoodledo
Basketball