Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned. I’m here to cleanse my conscience.
Bartender: So…the usual?
You Might Also Like
Me: “I mean, how can Harry Potter be the best Quidditch Seeker when he’s the only one with glasses?”
Librarian: “Just pay your fine, Ma’am.”
Thigh gap? Give me some corduroy pants and I’ll start a fire.
What was the deal with that dude wearing a tie and an apron at brunch? He kept writing down everything we said, he gave me the crepes.
Remember two years ago when we found out aliens exist but were too busy fighting over toilet paper to care? Good times.
Some are mad Trump won.
Others are mad that the anti-Trumps are mad.
I’m mad that you open up a new bag of chips and it’s only 1/3 full.
A girl who’s literally called ‘Beauty’ walks around town singing about how stupid everyone else is. It’s a mystery why Belle had no friends.
[walking through the sistine chapel] damn, content creators were insane back in the day
When you’re dragging a boat full of sailors to its watery doom then suddenly remember you left the oven on
Thanks to my wife for putting back the empty box of Froot Loops back in the pantry. Now I can have a big bowl of disappointment for breakfast.
I haven’t been invited to my family’s Thanksgiving dinner since 12 years ago when I put pepper on my mom’s mashed potatoes without trying them first.
“WATERMELON” HAS 4 SYLLABLES. “ILLUMINATI” HAS 5 SYLLABLES. THAT’S PRETTY CLOSE. WATERMELON IS ILLUMINATI.
80% of being Donald Trump is just worrying that the wind will blow your weird combover in the wrong direction.
If life was fair, salad would cause weight gain, and we’d have to eat a lot of chocolate to lose it all back.
[waking up on sunday morning]
me: ugh, I can’t believe what I did last night
*looks around to see piles of perfectly folded laundry*
One of the more important commas I’ve seen in a long time…
It was a sad day when I discovered my Universal Remote Control did not, in fact, control the Universe. Not even remotely.
Waitress: Is everything ok?
Me: WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD?
Hubby took the kids downstairs and is letting me sleep in! I’m so excit..never mind, I hear crying already. I think it’s my husband.
[pulling sword out of stone] now I am the rightful king of all England [sword keeps coming out] what the hell [colored handkerchiefs fly from the stone] oh no it’s as I’ve feared [clowns around me take a knee]
Me: [trying to put on pants]
Apple Watch: Would you like to log this workout?
Do not break eye contact with your waitress as you put the spaghetti in your wallet.
I SHOULDN’T NEED TO BE A GODDAMN COMPUTER SCIENTIST TO SET THE CLOCK ON A COFFEE MAKER!!!
Oh, wait, never mind…I got it.
KID: daddy how are idiots made
ME: well you see when another driver and your blindspot love each other very much…
Cellphones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”
Google “cat”. Tap paw.
– just do it!!
One time I fell off a 20ft ladder, then climbed right back up and jumped off a second time to show that ladder who’s in charge.
me: I always get shy around beautiful women
friend: just tell her
cashier: hi
me: *quiet mumbling*
cashier: what?
me: ᴵ ˢᵃⁱᵈ ᵗʰᵉʳᵉ’ˢ ᵃ ᵈᵉᵃᵈ ᵇᵒᵈʸ ⁱⁿ ʸᵒᵘʳ ᵈᵘᵐᵖˢᵗᵉʳ
Hi, my name is Pan. It’s short for Pam.
My teacher always said not to worry about correct spelling, because we have autocorrect.
And for that I am infernally grapefruit.
Her: How do you like your bacon?
Me: In bulk