My six year old lost a tooth. I left a note instead of money “too dirty.” He has been brushing that one tooth all day. Lesson unlearned
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when you’re broke you really start pondering. like if i didn’t buy that taco in 2018 i would have that $6 rn
Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down unearthly monsters
me: yeah, I’m aware…
Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?
Apologies about the delay to the 16:10 to Alicante. We’re just waiting for one 3D printed part, but apparently a ‘fuselage’ takes a little time.
Didn’t realize “bottomless” mimosas referred to the drink and not the dress code, my apologies to everyone in this airport.
Anxiety causes your body to store fat so that’s one more thing to be anxious about.
Slip ‘n Slide should be a universal mode of transportation. I refuse to budge on this
Making snow angels but it’s just me rolling around in pizza cheese.
Thankful that Five-Fingered Shoes company doesn’t make pants.
Four Worst Feelings Ever:
4. Losing your job
3. Romantic break up
2. Death of a loved one
1. Needing to pee when you’re stuck in traffic
I can’t believe “still uses Winamp” is a pre-existing condition now. This feels personal.
You know your exes are too similar to each other when four of them get mad about the same tweet
My kids are giving all the people on this plane a hard lesson in birth control right now.
[Calling a guy for the 1st time]
Him: Hello
Me: Helloooooo!!! *in Mrs. Doubtfire’s voice*
*panics, hangs up*
“I was thinking of all the shit I hate, so I made a list of all the shit I hate”
*notices you don’t care
*adds you to list of shit I hate
I got bit by an Amazon box. Every full moon I turn into a werehouse.
Me: Excuse me, where’s the rowing boat equipment?
Employee: Keep going down there, Oar Aisle.
Me: …
Employee: …
Me: Or you’ll what?
Read It and Weep: A Book on How to Cry
life hack: DO NOT TRY TO CUT CHERRY TOMATOES IN HALF WITH YOUR FOOD SCISSORS
My dog just swallowed a bag of Scrabble tiles, so I took him to the vet.
No word yet.
People who are “more than happy” should donate serotonin.
I got new glasses with anti-glare lenses but I’m looking at my wife right now and, boy, they clearly do not work
People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.
“Help yourself!”
– people who don’t want to help you
Walking up to any crime scene & whispering within the crowd, “It’s started again, hasn’t it?” then leaving
Unfortunately for Jane and Skipper, the hypnotist forgot to bring them out of the trance.
And it was upon finishing my 5th glass of wine that I realised that buying a 16 year old male chimpanzee from Facebook marketplace was the best idea I had ever had.
Me: What did she send you on Snapchat?
My pre-teen: A picture of a wall.
Me: What did you send back?
My pre-teen: The ceiling.
Her: Our youngest is 98 months.
Me: What’s that in human people years?
Schrödinger’s Dumpster