Buy living room furniture that matches your pet’s hair because, work smarter not harder.
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All these “make better choices” make me wonder if my parents are now running twitter
beyoncé communicating with the dead is what i would call a seyoncé.
professor x: whats your superpower
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to xmen]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
Hot Girl: Hey, u single?
Me: I am.
HG: Cool, can I take this extra chair?
Geologically speaking San Francisco is such bullshit. “I’m gonna make you go up three hills and down two hills to get anywhere!” Grow up.
[funeral home]
DIRECTOR: Your uncle got hit by a bus?
ME: Yeah.
DIRECTOR: Do you want a quote on the headstone?
ME: Like what?
DIRECTOR: Well, did he have any last words?
ME: Yes.
I lost my wife’s audiobook… and now I’ll never hear the end of it!
Throughout history they’ve removed a lot of key parts from the bible, like how Satan nicknamed his loofah “Loofifer.”
Tried a Peloton. Just like most other things I eat it left me unfilled, underwhelmed, gave me heartburn. Two out of five stars, tops. There are better snacks out there.
*plays Eye of the Tiger*
*starts runni…*
*yeah, screw this*
Pro Tip: Use candles to set a romantic mood.
Pro Tip Addendum: don’t set the romantic mood right by curtains.
A group of owls is called a flight of stares.
“Why tattoos? You wouldn’t put stickers on a nice car.” Ma’am I am at best a 2003 Corolla.
I could never be a hostage taker, too many phone calls
I was arrested last Halloween. Apparently it’s illegal to chase someone yelling, Touch me! Even if they are dressed as the Grim Reaper.
What do the films Titanic & the 6th sense have in common?
Icy dead people…
I like to go the extra mile and then not come back.
Atheist: I can’t believe it’s not butter
Theist: I can believe it
Agnostic: Just eat the toast
People: cheer up, things could be worse
Anxiety: and here are some detailed scenarios how
This Walmart is advertising $9.99 iPads to anyone who throws their baby into a snakepit.
There are two types of people in this world.
1. People who have a favourite brand of water.
2. People I don’t want to kill.
When I die I want to be dressed like a scuba diver and placed on top of Mount Everest to confuse the climbers
[dumping my father-in-law’s ashes into the trash bin]
wife: I should have been the one to do it
me: just tell him to quit smoking in our house
*God invents corgis*
God: what ingredients do we have left
Angel: uh, a meatloaf and some pig feet
God: lol check this out
Seems I can never find good brussels sprouts at the store, so I decided to grow them myself. Turns out I don’t like brussels sprouts.
When I say someone is a good doctor it’s entirely based on the strength of their waiting room Wi-Fi.
58.
Me: “I think it’s time for a change. Should I paint the bathroom?”
5yo: “Yes!”
Me: “What colors?”
5yo: “The same!”
My 9-year-old brought a guinea pig to the table for lunch. Then she left to get something from the kitchen. Now the guinea pig and I are just staring at each other. Awkward lunch for two.
I always go the extra mile,
which is why my friends don’t let me drive