[Back To the Future, 2018]
Marty’s dad: She texted me back! What do I say??
Marty: I got it. Lemme see…*sends SpongeBob gif and immediatly starts disappearing*
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Day 1: Brad wears no pants
Day 2: Brad wears no pants
Day 3: Brad wears no pants
…
…This is just a bottomless Pitt
I’m drawn toward women who are beautiful when they are angry because once we start dating that’s how they’ll look 90% of the time
My biggest fear is dying in a car accident that doesn’t destroy my phone
How many court cases have been thrown out because the judge needs a unanimous decision & the jury is made up entirely of dentists
I trimmed all the bushes in the front yard to make my house look bigger.
Who called them ‘horses’ and not ‘neigh-sayers?’
i want my tweets to have a faint hint of humor, like a joke la croix
We’re severely underutilizing the concept of groundhog’s day. We should be ripping more animals out hiding and asking them unknowable questions about the future at least weekly
Me: You should be nicer to me. You’ll never have another dad.
5-year-old: Don’t be so sure. Mom is pretty.
zookeeper: [putting up sign] do not feed the animals
giraffe: [also putting a sign up somehow] the zoo does not speak on our behalf
Otters drive ottermobiles.
me: [unlocking door] id better warn you, im a bit of a hoarder
her: lol like what
me: well, most of its grandmas
her: [struggling to wade through hundreds of old women] i see
Not surprised to find out I’ve lost my job at the graffiti removal company. The writing’s been on the wall for a while now.
life: do your best
me: (doing my best)
life: no a different best
Every time someone says “it’s a vibe” I wish there were loopholes where murder was legal.
Bit chilly again tonight.
Today, my coworkers and I got reprimanded because a manager caught us aggressively twerking in absolute silence.
[reading death threat]
*shrugs* Anyone with spelling this bad would definitely botch a murder.
When I was little I asked God for a bike. He didn’t deliver so I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness instead.
Knowing how to write in cursive almost feels like a secret language. I can pass notes to my wife that my kids have literally no chance of understanding, no matter how long they try to decode it.
Me: I’m going to shower
6: you’re beautiful! You don’t need to shower!
Me: Aw, than-
6: just some make up would help
Can we stop screwing around and make Pringles cans big enough to fit an entire hand? We have the technology
Steps into crowded elevator car. Faces everyone. Doors close.
“I’m not sure how long this ride will last so I’ve decided to take a lover.”
30 is weird because I have pictures of my friends’ kids on my camera roll but also like a ton of nudes.
The hardest things to say:
(1) I need help
(2) Worcestershire
Tween and me: *arguing*
Husband: God, you two are just like each other.
Tween and me: WHAT’D YOU SAY?
Husband: *jumps out window*
I had to use first and middle names on my daughters today for overly rough play in the pool.
Ages 22 and 25. With 401ks. This never stops.
Sometimes I like to trick my dryer by selecting the Bedding setting when the load is really jeans and towels.
2017 – Wizard of Oz
[opening credits]
Dorothy: *opens weather app*
[end credits]