Oh, you want me to join you at your family’s cabin? Should I tie myself up and climb into your trunk too?
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How come Peter Parker can be a Friendly Neighborhood Spiderman, but I can’t be a Cantankerous Neighborhood Were-Donkey!?
Mambo Number Five, but it’s a list of all the serial killers you dated without ever realizing it
If you want to flirt with babes, just use cereal slogans like “You look magically delicious” or “I wanna put 2 scoops of raisins in dat ass”
customer: i’ll have the barbecue chicken thighs
me: i’ll bring you the barbecue, but there’s no need for hurtful nicknames
Never had my own stalker before. Kinda exciting, kinda scary. 2½ stars – might recommend.*
*mostly dependent on them not killing me horribly before I can
Keep your fries close and your onion rings closer.
Date: I’m pretty easygoing, you?
Me: *regularly gets stressed out doing captcha tests bc I don’t know if bushes count as trees* Definitely.
Me: Do that thing I like.
Husband: Soaks dishes.
cute girl: can i have ur number?
me: [sweating nervously] then what number am i gonna use
“Lunchables” is a good name because it doesn’t make any grandiose claims: “This is able to be eaten as lunch.”
i’ve got a bag of quarters and the afternoon off. 👀
Charm me with your intelligence or just wait till I’m really drunk.
This week’s mood.
I was feeling really festive watching the fireplace channel on tv, until I got confused and tried to throw another log in there.
I’ll stick with papa johns 🤣🤣🤣
Whomever came up with the saying “Make love not war” was obviously not married.
My ‘Mom Voice’ was so loud even the neighbors washed their hands and cleaned their rooms.
My wife and I are taking my son up to a little hotel in Colorado this Christmas. Probably gonna get some writing done. We’re gonna be the only family up there cause I’m looking after the joint.
Speed Dating
Tell me something about yourself
I have 3 cats
What do u do for fun
I have 3 cats
What are you most proud about
I have 3
Next
The veggies I bought 3 weeks ago as I reach for another pudding
“It’s our third date and you still wear that shirt?”
Honey, this all they have in prison.
(Indian wedding)
White friend: OMG that’s so spicy!Me: First of all, it’s a glass of water.
is he attractive or did he just reply to your message with full sentences in a timely manner
Those plastic bags in the produce department that are so hard to get open are designed to keep your ego in check. Its intentional.
My bank, who passed all 14 interest rate rises onto my home loan account, but only half of them onto my savings account, just sent me some tips on how to identify financial scammers
brian had himself a morning…
[Slaps string cheese out stranger’s hand]
Me: We are NOT animals. We do not bite the cheese without peeling.
5 year old: *cries*
Announcer: Has bath time gotten boring? Try Bathtub Weasel! Simply peel open the package and drop the angry weasel into the water!
Bathing woman: It’s so easy! *Splash!* *Horrified screaming*
Announcer: That’s Bathtub Weasel, from the makers of Baby Monitor Lizard! Order now!
It was probably the machine that kept the world from turning to shit.
sergio leone: i’m going to name my next movie after you
the good: nice
the bad: cool
me: what’s it called?