Being held for questioning sounds more romantic than it is
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Do you smoke after sex?
Person looks down…”I don’t know, I never checked.”
Imagine how exciting the Tour de France would be if they added some sweet ramps.
When I die, instead of being cremated or buried, I’d like my body to be thrown out of a tree onto a group of teens
I don’t understand people who punch walls. “I’m so mad, I want to spend all day tomorrow plastering over the hole I’m about to make.”
nobody: …
my dog: yay !! look dad, I’ve found the dried chicken foot I hid in the bedroom.
It costs nothing to be kind. But then again, it costs nothing to be a sociopath. So you see my dilemma.
losing it at this lady preaching abstinence at LSU and the students just going buck wild
Just took my 8,647th accidental screenshot of my lock screen while putting my phone in my pocket
If I give up my seat for you on the bus, it’s my right to stand in front of you and stare down your blouse. I think it’s in the Bible.
Me working 60+ hrs a week: I have 15 minutes free, so I should do 5 things.
Me unemployed: I can’t take a shower in less than 8 hours.
Just overheard my 2-year-old exclaim “YAY I DID IT” from the other room. What I learn next will either be exhilarating or horrifying.
I bet nobody noticed Superman flying around at first, so Clark just started pointing out every bird and plane until it caught on
Me: i’m just here for shits and giggles
Taco Bell employee: *passes me my order* i can’t promise you the giggles
Wife: I just wish you would open up and tell me what you’re thinking.
Me: OK, in the $1.50 Costco hotdog combo do you think the hot dog is $1 and the drink is $.50 or both $.75?
If you like piña coladas and getting caught in the rain, that’s fine but your piña colada is going to get watered down.
[First date]
Him: I love murder mysteries.
Me: *trying to impress him* I have been a suspect in four murder cases.
My organic chemistry class was at 7am and the teacher stressed how important it was for us to get enough sleep… so I slept in class.
I just had a near sex experience.
My wife flashed before my eyes.
just took 3 times my normal dose of adderall finally gonna get to the bottom of this whole amelia earhart thing
Sorry to all my coworkers who have to listen to me whisper the sassy email replies I wish I could send
if you ever feel useless, remember someone made a protective cover for Nokia 3310
Her: I never take my eyes off my son. I hate how parents are so inattentive these days.
Me: [lifting 6 out of lion cage] mm hmm me too
How many dates should you wait before revealing that you’re not proficient in Excel?
I work from home and tend towards introvert
Him: (assessing the surroundings) when did you last leave the house?
Me: Saturday!
Him (familiar with my bullshit): WHICH Saturday?
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.
Me: I’m gonna take a nap
Him: ok I’ll go in the next room and make lots of noise
FOUND: 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED RATS LIVING IN LOCAL DUMPSTER.
PLEASE CONTACT IF YOUR 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED PET RATS ARE MISSING.