tv: low volume
tv: volume jacked up for 6 seconds
tv: low volume
tv: volume jacked up for 6 seconds
[when I watch tv & eat chips]
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[At bar]
*all sweaty after doing the worm*
Me: *out of breath* see anything you like?
Her: called 911, thought you were having a seizure.
Me: I wish for a lightsaber.
Genie: Be realistic.
Me: Ok, I wish for a boyfriend.
Genie: Would you like your lightsaber in blue or green?
Hey Pringles, It’s time to widen the can. Your core demographic isn’t exactly thin-wristed. Thank you!
Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.
Netflix just suggested I get up and walk around before I develop a blood clot.
To apply for a job at Hooters do they hand you a bra and say, “Here, just fill this out.” ?
if ever got invited to the Grammys, I’d go dressed as the girl from The Ring.
[sees annoying coworker at store]
Him: Hey, what’s new?
Me: [gets right up in his face] Stuart, EVERYTHING in here is new.
Relationship status: Page 7 of @funTweeters
Wife: *looking through my yearbook* you have the exact same haircut
Me: well I use a bigger bowl now
I block people for being stupid.
…I block a lot of people.
Scientist discovers largest prime number to date, when it was provided to him by a Spectrum customer service rep as a “confirmation number.”
I just don’t think a partridge in a pear tree would make a great gift
Used shampoo instead of shower gel and now my body has up to 70% more body.
no one is as indignant as a person who was correctly accused of sleeping
Doctor: How long ago did you injure your shoulder?
Women: 9:45am on Monday at work
Men: Sometime between yesterday and 2002
Me: What’s the score, who’s winning?
Therapist: Ok so that’s really not how couples counseling works.
Getting marriage advice from a priest is like taking your lawn mower to Burger King to get repaired.
Me: Good morning. Allow me to sprinkle some positivity on this gloomy Monday morning.
HR: You can’t just throw glitter at people.
Computer: would you like to update?
Me: remind me tomorrow
[tomorrow]
Me: I did not see this coming
I asked the bookstore employee where the self help section was. She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
her: i’m a night owl
me: i’m an early bird
my worm: oh no!
FWD: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: THE DOGS HAVE LEARNED HOW TO EMAIL THIS IS YOUR DOG HELLO SUSAN
[stranded on a desert island]
*finds a message in a bottle*
hey honey, where do we keep the teabags?
You can have a child or you can have a phone charger. You can’t have both.
Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣
Wife: Don’t you hate when you eat something that’s not very satisfying but it’s too late to eat something else?
Me: Too late?
Sorry I look depressed. It’s just that when I heard the sound of your high heels on the hardwood floor, I thought a pony was in the house.
Don’t post your New Year’s resolutions to social media. Two months from now, when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Cheetos, you don’t need anyone asking you how marathon training is going.
Sorry, but Spotify sounds like the opposite of a stain remover and why would I want it?