If evolution isn’t real, then why are my hands the perfect size and shape for carrying Starbucks cups?
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my friend: [just got fired from his job] what a day
me: [got to the gym and only my left headphone worked] you have no idea
It turns out that you can only spray so many people down with Febreze before they fire you as a Wal Mart greeter.
[a gorilla is using sign language to try to tell me something]
Me [eating a banana]: I’m sorry I don’t understand
Feeling invisible and unnoticed?
Put in your ear buds and they won’t shut the hell up.
Me: *tries to sneak a pic of someone but forgets flash is on
Did you just take my picture?
Me: *starts to make thunder noises
I don’t want to make anyone jealous right now, but I’m sitting in a restaurant in Universal Studios while 2 of my kids cry and refuse to eat their food.
My 2yo said she is a grown up. I told her she isn’t, that she is a toddler. She replied, “No, I’m a grown up. I’m going to touch knives.”
The cynicism of those who urge me not to do what I can to help the Nigerian royal family.
when you’re a parent you can expect to find a banana anywhere. ANYWHERE.
*walks into Best Buy*
*points to CDs* “May I have 4 sound bagels please”
before u buy that mascara online ask urself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
How about the No Bucket Challenge? Basically you just give a charity some money and don’t tell anyone about it.
I put so much brandy in my warm milk last night, I don’t even remember going to bed. It was like Milk of Amnesia.
[in bed]
Me: Don’t you love being on top?
Date: *peering down from top bunk* this isn’t what I had in mind
Me: shhh, you’re gonna wake my mom
[shopping on full stomach] bread, eggs, milk
[shopping on empty stomach] cookies, chips, a taco truck, a pizza shop, an ice cream factory
If I was a mammoth or a ground sloth I would not have gotten stuck in a tar pit it all. when I see a fossil of some creature that got trapped in one I think wow here’s an example of some dead idiot
My dog is a firm believer in teamwork.
I stepped away to use the restroom for a minute and when I came back he had finished my nachos for me.
Me: Hey bud, you want to read a book?
3:
Me: Do a puzzle?
3:
Me: Paint?
3:
Me: Okay well I have to put your brother down for a nap. Just be quiet please.
3: [Leads a marching band through living room while on parade float]
I don’t always announce myself on conference calls but when I do it’s always at the exact same time as somebody else.
Accidentally bought a left-handed bottle of shampoo and now I have to shower facing the other direction.
Let’s hear it for the staff in this branch of Maplin, still able to crack funnies ahead of their store’s impending closure …
Me: Yells at my kids to stop wasting water.
Also me: Washes same load of laundry three times.
Everyone’s “the nicest guy in the world” until the police are in the backyard digging up 17 bodies.
Before you cut the sleeves off your acid wash denim jacket, read the warning label about the associated risks of dying from too much sex.
Fancy dinner party invitation didn’t explicitly say NOT to wear Spider-Man costume, sheesh, everybody relax FFS
I accidentally poured too much hot sauce onto my lunch and damn if my life excitement didn’t just increase tenfold
Does anybody know what date Easter is this year? And if so, what are you, obsessed with Easter
Gonna flirt with an electrician by calling them electrocute
*The Proclaimers put on a Fitbit
Fitbit: Awww, Hell No!!!
If you don’t want your kids to leave the bathroom light on all the time don’t ask them to wash their hands so much duh.