“knock knock”
whos there
“orange”
orange who
“orange u glad im not a banana?”
…. MARTHA THERES A RACIST ORAMGE AT THE DOOR DO I LET HIM IN
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[3 guys corner me in an alley]
3G: Bet you’re scared
Me: *shows them my wife’s credit card bills*
3G: *hand over their wallets* holy shit
If you can make a woman laugh, you can make her do anything – Marilyn Monroe
If you believe that try showing her your race car bed – Me.
[Job interview]
Him: Do you have any questions?
Me: What kind of snacks are in the vending machine?
Every store gives away free stuff you just have to play the game by out running the security guard
[trying on a camouflage jacket]
Me: how much is this
Store Clerk: how much is what
I used to be an atheist until my 8YO started asking for help with her math homework
The year is 2030: All corporations have merged and every night before bed you say a prayer to your cable company.
a fun thing to do when you get a compliment is yell “it’s NOT my FAULT”
If I was on trial and the prosecutor was like, “that man is the murderer!” and pointed at me so the jury all turned their attention toward me, I’d have a hard time not waving at them.
“I keep waking up at 2:04 every night”
— my 7YO describing what I can only assume is the beginning of our family’s real-life horror story.
My husband bought me jewelry for Valentine’s day. He doesn’t know it yet, but that was still nice of him.
me: return of the mack.
cashier: receipt of the mack?
Sorry I missed your wedding, but Netflix just autoplays the next episode now.
4: Mommy I’m sorry but you’re going to need to shower alone.
Me: Oh darn.
*30 seconds later*
4: I felt bad for you so I’ll sit right here while you shower
August 8
Newlyweds: What is mine is yours and what is yours is mine.
Married 10 years: You’re sitting in the dog’s spot.
{at the dentist}
Hygienist: Let’s just have a look
Me, panicking: I’m so sorry! I used all my dental floss to lace my shoes.
Hygienist: Last time you said you were abducted by aliens who wouldn’t let you floss.
*pulls United States of America cartridge out of the Nintendo and blows on it*
I’m like the hottest girl on this elevator.
Never mind, someone else just got on.
If I climbed all the way to the top Mount Everest and looked up, then I’d finally see the top of our family’s weekly laundry pile
*angrily detangles self from wind chime*
Robert Pattinson can play Batman but Christian Bale could never play Edward Cullen
“We’re going to a school presentation tonight, ok?”
My kid: “I love presents.”
The answer, my friend, is actually blowing in the wind plus 23.
Not saying I found that jet, but is there a reward?
*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*
“I got up at 4 am so I could bite my mom and eat a frog and pee on the floor right after I peed outside”