Astronauts wear helmets to hide their tears when they discover the moon isn’t made of cheese.
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‘I dunno, maybe just use that image of the girl who’s about to murder her dad’
got banned from Trader Joe’s for my controversial political opinions (or because I keep taking cheese into the bathroom)
Aquafina is Spanish for “tap water in a plastic bottle”
[introducing my children]
…and these cuties here are the 3 times I tried sex
Girl likes ‘boys with accents <333’ on Facebook. I charge at her. “HELLOUGH!! I AM HELMUT, FROM RUSSIA. I WORK AS STRANGLER AT MEAT FACTORY”
Barbie gone wild
Me: I’m shy
Tequila: Not anymore
No I will not change my password.
If someone wants this life, they can have it.
Age 15: I wanna live in a mansion
Age 25: Ok a big house, in a nice neighborhood
Age 35: *googles ‘Best Months to Live Outside’*
Sometimes as a woman all i want is for a man to grab me, throw me into bed and then clean my house while i sleep
MISSING CAT❗️
-Answers to the name “Chancellor Parsons” which is really aggravating because we named him Mittens.
I never remember names, so name dropping is basically useless around me.
Kid: Mom, the light’s on in my closet.
Me: That’s weird. The monster must be looking for something.
Thank god that racist basketball guy showed up or we’d still be talking about how we’re not finding that airplane.
[adds another nod to the conversation]
If you feel yourself getting bored because you’ve spent too much of your day in bed, just roll to the other side. It’s like a fresh start
[before horsepower was invented]
car salesman: this baby has the strength of 7000 raccoons
I only hug people when I need to wipe my hands off.
You have no idea how many windows you have until someone is working on your gutters.
Hey girl are you soy sauce because you always “no MSG” me back
genie: you have three wishes
me: i want 1000 ants to protect me
genie: you got it
me: psychic ants
genie: uh ok
me: make them as big as a blue whale
genie: dude what’s wrong with you
Carries bucket and fishing rod and drills hole in the ice.
Voice: There is no fish here!
Me: Wow, is that God?
V: No, the arena director.
I want more people to join bluesky before I accidentally follow too many journalists
My wife said “vase” wrong so I corrected her and now we know that it can just barely fit over my head.
Top 5 forms of torture
5. Sleep deprivation
4. Dentist drills
3. Solitary confinement
2. Water boarding
1. Cilantro
In Canada they just call them geese
[movie studio in the 2010s]
“This script stars The Rock as-”
Studio: WE’LL MAKE IT
“and you are November’s PM yes?”
Whenever I tweet about my 3yo being challenging there’s ALWAYS someone who is like “my 3yo was not challenging at all, they were sweet and smart and perfect and it’s because I took them outside.” And I’m always like ohhhh sorry I keep mine in a box in the basement, can’t relate
I would’ve thrown a coin in the water fountain and wished for all the money in it, but I just waited ’til it was dark instead.