WIFE: Did you take care of that thing I asked you to do?
ME: No.
WIFE: I’ve asked you at least 10 times.
ME: I’ll get it done this afternoon.
WIFE: You better.
ME (terrified): [has no idea what she asked me to do.]
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[ At the ball ]
Prince Charming: are you ok Cinderella?
Cinderella: no, my stomach is upset. I think I need to go to the bathroom.
Prince Charmin: I’ll take it from here, bro
I love how my car’s check engine light turns off. Of course this means the engine has healed on its own.
Having a kid is great because it’s basically an 18 year excuse for being too tired to make plans with people ever again.
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone. Who threw that? Gary, was that you? Don’t act innocent, I know you download music illegally.
Sorry I ate all your cake after you passed out and then drew your angry eyebrows on so you’d be ready to discuss it when you woke up.
PRIEST: Do you take this this woman, to have and to hold, for better, for worse, until death do you part?
ME: Well, now you made it weird.
Don’t think of it as losing followers, think of it as frustrating bots to the point they go away
Siri disappoints once again when she refuses my ask for a tactical air strike on the slow-moving car in front of me.
Reported my coworker to HR for sleeping on the job. I work from home. My dog is my coworker. I’m HR.
Want to binge on sugar but all I’ve got are gummy vitamins so I’m about to get mad healthy
6yo: mom, how do you spell ‘do not touch’
4yo: mom, how do you spell ‘yes touch’
*walks in at 3am*
Wife: OMG, what happened?
Me: I was attacked.[front door 5hrs later]
Neighbor: What happened to our inflatable Santa?
Me: You said you wouldn’t dream of disturbing me
my kid: Yeah, but this isn’t a dream
I feel like landlords who don’t allow dogs but DO allow children don’t know very much about children.
Lisa: morning David
Me: who said that?
Lisa [sighs]: sorry I didn’t text you back last night
Me: is that a ghost? Because Lisa is dead to me
CALIBUR: I love being a calibur!
ME: Stop being a calibur. Arthur needs you.
EXCALIBUR: Ok
Doctor 1: burrowing mites under the skin is pretty gross, but how do we make it sound even grosser?
Doctor 2: let’s call it scabies
Doctor 1: YES!! done
After a long day of weeding, I just sat down in the grass to drink some water. Suddenly I felt unnerving crawly sensations on my backside. Christ, I didn’t know “ants in your pants” was an actual thing!!! 🐜
If I had a nickel for every time I had a nickel I would just continue getting nickels until I had all the nickels.
morpheus wrapping the red pill in a piece of cheese so i’ll take it
My husband would need to live to be 200 to finish all the things he said he “was GOING to do”
I got a pocket got a pocket full of sunshine
Sunshine: Please let me go. I have children.
my Roomba bravely tries to trip my attacker as they chase me through the house
WIFE: You know, you’re my best friend! Am I your best friend?
ME: [subtly exchanges knowing glance with our dog] Of course you are, sweetie
I see a lot of defense lawyers talking about how you should never talk to the police. This is not totally true. If you have prepared 3 difficult riddles they cannot answer, legally they have to let you go
That moment when you mom says she was a virgin, but then 3 random dudes show up on your birthday with gifts.
*wife runs back into our house which is on fire*
What are you doing!?
W: I just want to straighten up a little before the firemen get here
*A group of cannibals eating a pie*
This is amazing, what did you do different?
“Well, I used fresh Barry’s”
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
Me: Read this tweet.
Wife: Sure.
Me: Is it racist?
Wife: No.
Me: Sexist?
Wife: No.
Me: Is it offensive at all?
Wife: No.
Me: *deletes tweet*