You call it day drinking I call it very old grape juice in the morning
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A lollipop is like a normal lipop but it laughs a lot.
Sorry.
You know you’ve outstayed your welcome when a British person asks “what time’s your train?”
United States: There’s 5280 feet in one mile.
Rest of the World: What even is that?
United States: Lol, we made it up.
[stepping out of time machine]
me: well i sneezed on a dinosaur but hopefully the butterfly effect wasn’t too severe
giant butterfly in lab coat: you mean the human effect
SHOUTOUT TO LIBRARIANS! (*sorry*)
i’d imagine the sound of clowns having sex would just be a cacophony of bicycle horns
wife: where are the beans?
me: i made phones with the cans.
wife: can i talk to you in the kitchen?
small voice echoing from the kitchen: you can now.
If you start your emails with “Greetings” let me be the first to welcome you to Earth.
*first date*
Me: Tell me more about you
Her: *crazy eyes* WELL I HAVEN’T STABBED ANYONE LATELY
Me: *deletes Tinder* Let’s get married!
I either text back right away or never, because I saw your text, replied in my head but forgot to actually type it.
someone told me “I couldn’t think of anyone I’d rather spend time with,” & my first thought was that they tried really hard to think of someone else but had to settle on me, so thanks low self esteem, u my only friend
inventor of shirts: sleeves are awesome
inventor of vests: disagree
inventor of turtlenecks: there should be three of them
fred flintstone was the first ever man to become a vitamin
Me: Hello darkness, my old friend
Darkness: *rolls eyes*
Ask Jesus if he loves me, but be cool about it.
A wise Chinese man once said,
“If a dog barks it’s undercooked”
Every time.
I’ll believe corporations are people when conservatives ban them from marrying each other.
[family brunch]
Sister: We’d love you to be our daughter’s godmother.
Me: No thank you. Please pass the syrup.
Me looking for something to eat….
⠀
Instructions: bake for 25 minutes.
⠀
Me: ugh, that takes too long. I don’t feel like dealing with it.
⠀
*proceeds to door dash overpriced food that will take 45 minutes to arrive*
Good morning to everyone except people that eat while leaving you a voicemail.
I bought my daughters two watches for Hanukkah, but one lights up and the other one doesn’t. Please send thoughts and prayers.
two loaves, one loaf
two elves, one elf
two leaves, one leaf
two hooves, one hoof
two gloves, one glofno more questions
Owner: I want to charge 6.99 for a cookie
Devil: I’ve got an idea
My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha or a nature scene with an inspirational message like,
“Be kind to others, Evil Lisa.”
Me: I want to travel
Bank account: Where? To work?
The spouse with the most blanket in the morning is the undercover boss.
This story is comedy gold 😂
Avengers Endgame and the Battle of Winterfell coming out the same weekend is like when your history teacher and your English teacher both assigned papers due the same day except instead of homework it’s emotional labor