Where my American History knowledge comes from:
25% school
25% internet
50% Forrest Gump
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You ever have your knees crack so good that you expect them to glow in the dark.
Yeah, me too.
I held the door for an old person today and he was like, “didn’t we go to high school together” and we did.
WAITER: would you like to try the chef’s special, tender snow crab?
ME [getting defensive]: maybe but there’s no reason for name calling
Yes, I would like to see a wine list, because I don’t mispronounce enough words in my day-to-day life.
*drives motorized scooter into meeting I’m late for, around the conference table, and out the door*
Tracklist for Donda 2
1. I hate Pete Davidson.
2. Did I mention that I hate Pete Davidson.
3. Cancel Pete.
4. I hope Pete Davidson has a really awful day.
5. I still hate Pete Davidson.
6. Kim come back.
7. I really hate someone with the initials P.D
Welcome to parenthood. You’re about to spend an irrational amount of time convincing a sleepy person to go to sleep
at library
ME: This book wasn’t helpful at all!
LIBRARIAN: Why? What’s the problem?
BIRD: [mockingly] “Why? What’s the problem?”
I would throw myself under a duvet for you.
I never leave home without my phone charger but I’m always unprepared in every other way.
If history has taught us anything, I’d be surprised.
I believe it was Gandhi who said “never create passwords for apps when you’re shitfaced”
There is a famous person next to me at this coffee shop. You can tell he’s waiting for me to say something. Not gonna happen. Not gonna give him the time of day. Just going to sit here and continue making machine gun noises with my mouth
Any house is an Airbnb if you’re quiet enough
Eating a banana.
Thought I should tell you. Twitter seems concerned about women getting enough potassium.But… why can’t I use my teeth?
me: my mom’s here to visit
him: oh. did you meet her at the bus station?
me: no i’ve pretty much known her my whole life
HR Manager: “Tis the Season” or not you can’t be drinking rum and eggnog at work
how to meditate myself out of criminal intent oh shoot i thought this was google
Writing “Omg you guys are still friends after what she said about you???” on every group photo of girls I see on Instagram
Movember is over, so this week anyone looking like a pedophile is actually a pedophile.
Someone punctured my boss’s tires and I’m definitely gonna tell him about it, but first let me put the nail gun back in the backpack.
[after robots take over]
*drones crash into my kitchen*
ME: [mouthful of ham] whobithrayed me?
*fridge starts laughing*
BUT U WERE MY FABRIT
I’m the Cinderella of finding one shoe at a sale and not finding the other and losing my own along the way.
Welcome to your 40s. Time moves much faster now. Welcome to your 50s
I crave feet in the sand, a gentle ocean breeze, the sun on my face, and two entirely new presidential candidates.
Hi I’m making some changes in my life if you don’t hear from me you are one of them.
Welcome to your fifties, you take the elevator instead of the stairs now and you still pull a muscle.
That awkward moment when the poltergeist in the TV calls you by the wrong name.
I forgot the term “gait” so I said the horse had a nice swagger.
Watched the movie Gravity tonight. Didn’t see as much gravity as I expected. Two thumbs down based on that.