Accidentally drove to work w/the kids still in the car & they waited until I parked to cheer that they weren’t going to school.
Mon-1
Mom-0
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There’s no law that says it has to be night to howl at the moon.
I love when young people try to insult me and say ‘It’s way past your bedtime old man’. Bro, it’s not an insult, it’s a reminder.
tired of seeing everyone’s boyfriend taking them on paint and picnic dates so my dog took me on one instead
Art teacher: you were supposed to paint a tree
Rorschach: I did
Welcome to Condescending Club. Even an idiot would know the 1st rule. If not, you want paaaatronizing club. You know what that is, riiiight?
[having a pizza party with 5 teddy bears]
More pizza, guys? Or are you… STUFFED? HAHAHA *eats all the pizza before they can answer*
I failed a history exam, stood-up my girlfriend and accidentally bought a packet of figs today because I’m terrible with dates.
People who say I’m hard to shop for obviously didn’t see how excited I just got finding an almond on the couch.
Guy who likes music
going into to sephora and putting some lipstick on my collar to make my gf jealous
ME: I’ve got this nervous tick
DR: Since when?
ME: [taking small arachnid from pocket] July?
MICK: [sweating] You said you’d do the talking
They did not think through this water fountain
SON: Dad, were there any doctor shows like Grey’s Anatomy when you were a kid?
ME: Yeah.
SON: What was it called?
ME: Grey’s Anatomy.
before puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the shower’
after puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the oven’
i told my roommate i was going on a date tonight, and he goes “let me see what you’re working with” so i did a pose 💅🏽
and he says “not you, the guy” 😭😭
3 years into a relationship and you get a text “i need space” loooool lets sell some furniture then
Harrison Ford just turned up at my AA group. I’ve never seen Han so low.
Was watching that new walking dead and it was really good. They ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran fr
I think Amazon is missing a big opportunity to get into the paint industry. They could make big bucks selling Amazon Primer. #tuesdaymotivations
I like to stand by the side of the motorway holding a sign that says “If you were me, you’d be here now.”
My current size is ‘I ate two maple bacon donuts yesterday and had to zip my jeans with pliers today’
Can Jesus turn off his walking on water power, or when he dives into a swimming pool would he just bounce across the surface like a skipping stone?
Today’s religious debate is brought to you by…
To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away
You are my people
Finish all your pizza or you don’t get any ice cream!
– me, making my kids eat their dinner before dessert
My boss is so lazy he just clutched his chest and tumbled down the stairs and now he’s asleep at the bottom.
[Nightcap]
Me: *giving tour* and this is my room.
Her: It’s….a….nice.
Me: Let me stop you there. The He-man sheets are purely decorative and in no way a reflection of my prowess in bed.
hey people that post selfies on Instagram and caption it ‘No Filter’, go with a filter next time. serious
Due to inflation, alien abduction no longer comes with free probes. Humans are required to bring their own probes, or may purchase a probe on board the spacecraft for a moderate fee.
Damn Girl, did you just get in a water balloon fight or are you happy to see me?
Buys a cheap box of wine and parties like it’s $19.99