So, according to my wife, Febrezing the dog is NOT the same as giving him a bath.
Apparently.
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At my age getting lucky means having the house to myself
*moves $124 to an offshore bank account*
Me : can you be my quarantine partner ?
Her : Hmmm …first , Show me your
stimulus packageMe : 🤦🏾♂️
Her : DO NOT TOUCH YOUR FACE.
Crazy how I started out my life wanting to be Bart Simpson and ended up Millhouse’s dad
[At party]
Wife: Don’t pretend you’re deaf again, so you don’t have to talk to people
Me [in sign language]: What?
Me in my 20s: SEVEN MORE SHOTS AND THEN TACO BELL!
Me in my 40s: I have moderate hip pain & I believe I may have swallowed some hair
Date: any pets?
Me: a pet rock
D: lol at least u don’t have to housetrain it
Me: *flashback to piles of pebbles all over my house* haha yeah
Some creepy guy with a mustache is running on the treadmill next to me at the gym…never mind, it’s a mirror.
I miss the days when my work wife and my wife wife were different people.
You break into a petting zoo once, to try and brush a goat’s teeth…and all of a sudden you’re banned for life.
*sighs*
I woke up with tons of motivation to go back to sleep.
Me: lets go get a drink!
Friend: what’s the occasion?
Me: …
Friend: …
Me: I don’t understand the question.
If you ever get locked out of your house, talk calmly to the lock.
We all know that communication is the key.
I worry about people who write “taken” in their bios.
Where did they go?
Who took them?
Why aren’t we helping to find them?
My favorite state to visit?
Unconsciousness
if I accidentally respond “you too” after a fast-food clerk tells me to enjoy my meal, I shove some fries in their mouth so it isn’t awkward
“I make everything sad, but I’ll class your shit up.” – Violins
Makes a girlfriend in IIT. Breaks up with her. Adds Ex IITian in bio.
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
one time I was in the hospital elevator with a resident and then the elevator got stuck and I was like “omg we are going to die” and she was like “omg YES I needed this today” and sat down and started eating a granola bar
GPS: left—left again—take another left—ur gonna want to take this left—stay left
NASCAR DRIVER: why is there a gps in here
My kids used to get so mad at me for not picking them up after school. But, good mothers don’t drink and drive.
i absolutely refuse to drink any tap water till it’s gone though my brita filter that i haven’t changed in 5 years
Darude Sandstorm is my favorite pokemon
Interviewer: your resume says you were a waiter
Me: yes that’s right
Interviewer: where at
Me: out in the lobby right before this interview
[first day as a cop]
me: i found the body
other officer: any id?
me: *pulls out badge* yeah dude, it’s me, your partner
Thanks for telling me this is your “pet cat” because otherwise I might have thought it was your business associate cat.
Son: Being an adult is easier
Me: No way, childhood is
Both: I WISH WE COULD SWITCH PLACES
*Shooting star flies overhead*
Son: Wait this sucks
Me: No take backs