Where do bad rainbows go?
To prism. It’s a light sentence, but it gives them time to reflect.
11:14
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Sure, my bologna has a first name, but he’s a stickler for manners so he insists we still call him Mr. Bologna.
[Driving by a massive pile up]
SON: Look at all the different colours of cars in the crash.
ME: It’s a collidascope.
SON:
WIFE: It’s too early in the day to hate you this much.
Lately I go to the restroom at the movies, but forget where I’m seated then return & just begin a new life in a new seat with a new family.
Me: Okay, give it to me straight. Why doesn’t my food blog get any subscribers?
Food Blog Mentor: Well, you might want to stop posting recipes that end with “food should look like it’s been chewed up and spit out”.
Teens today stuck inside all day long playing video games.
In my day, we spent all day outside smoking hash oil & cigarettes with friends.
I am never angrier with myself than when I realize I accidentally bought scented garbage bags
cashier: paper or plastic
me: it’s a debit card
cashier: no for your milk
me: oh haha liquid’s fine
Haters will say my strike wasn’t valid just because I bowled it with a rotisserie chicken.
Remember that tiny bit of constructive feedback that you went out of your way to specifically tell me not to take personally? You’re not gonna believe this.
Netflix is asking every five minutes if we’re still watching and I think it must be suffering from separation anxiety now that people are going outside again.
When I’m behind a slow car I steer my car a little to the right so the people behind me can see it isn’t my fault.
“This smoothie is spicy!”
“Ma’am, that’s salsa.”
I can’t stop coughing. Think I’ll go see a movie in a crowded theater while slowly eating a bag of bone-dry popcorn.
You can pick your friends, you can pick your nose, you can cry when the girl you used to babysit gets engaged before you do.
whenever i trip a skinny girl running in only a sports bra i feel like i’m doing god’s work
Quarantine, day 14. Me and my boyfriend spent the whole day setting up an art gallery for our gerbil.
A good lawyer knows the law. A great lawyer knows the Judge.
Seriously considering telling the CDC I have Ebola, so they’ll clean my house.
Apparently in my absence my husband has hung cat-level wall art. So sophisticated 🧐
[wife frantically searching the house]
Have you seen the kids, I’ve looked everywhere
[me napping on couch]
OMG HOW LONG HAVE WE HAD KIDS
just ate soup so fast my Fitbit thought i was running
Friend: I’m surprised to see you eating a salad.
Me: *empties bag of chocolate chips over it*
a thing that’s important in friendship is seeing something weird, taking a picture of it, then sending it to them and saying “that’s you”
Dating a drug dealer in ur early adulthood is absolute necessary character development
When you want to key his car, but he doesn’t have one, so you bend his bus pass.
[lava kids playing in a volcano]
“the floor is linoleum!”
Not sure why me wife is only mad at me. My 4 year old forgot her birthday too.
*chugging beers at 11am*
Waitress: looks like somebody is having a fun St Patrick’s Day!
Me: That’s today?
How to really enjoy the rain:
1. Stand at the window (inside)
2. Put non-tea drinking hand on hip
3. Sip tea from mug
4. Say “look at that rain” or “it’s really coming down now”
5. Ask someone else if it’s raining where they are
6. Say the garden needs it
7. Eat all the biscuits
Dad- I want you to have everything in this world that your heart desires.
*Can I have oreos?*
[NO]