Having a dark sense of humor is great, until you make a joke in front the wrong crowd and get looked at like you just killed their cat.
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I’m eating cheese paired with cheese crackers because self-care is dairy important to me
The existence of Kylo Ren implies the existence of Kylo Stimpy.
kinda feel like the bridge overreacted
“What if it makes me look stupid,” she said redundantly.
pros and cons of being the last person alive on earth, according to my 8 year old:
con: loneliness
pro: every dog on the planet now belongs to you
I thought the English would use more sophisticated gifs but, sadly, no. Nothing Dickensian or Shakespearean. Just lots of Hugh Grant shrugging.
“I had the worst Cruise ever.” – Katie Holmes
They say all good things must come to an end…
After 7 wonderful years of marriage…
I walked in on my wife…
Watching Twilight..
My son ran away again, but it gets worse. He changed the wifi password before he left.
girl in novel: hi my older brother who is 17 years old and popular, do you want breakfast ?
her brother: yes, remember when mom died when you were 4 and our dad is an alcoholic ?
GENIE: u have 5 wishes
ME: don’t u mean 3 wishes?
GENIE: usually but it seems like u have a lot of problems
in addition to Lady Doritos, Doritos plans to make Alpha Male Doritos, which will be just shards of broken glass
I just found out my twin brother and I were switched at birth.
My mother’s scale of concern:
1 missed call = I am busy with the kids.
2 missed calls = I am being murdered in a ditch.
In honor of Charles Dickens I will also be cold and poor this christmas.
doctor: i’m afraid i have some bad news
me: better than having fox news 😉
doctor: hahahaha 🙂
me: i’ll be here all week haha 🙂
doctor: haha give or take
I keep a baseball bat under my bed in case someone tries to break in and pitch a no hitter
[Fairground]
Son: Daddy can I have a balloon?
Me: If you’re good.
Son: Good at what?
Me: Buying your own balloons
Server: Want one of our famous milkshakes?
Me: Well, I saw your yard and it was empty.
Server: Huh?
Me: No boys.
Server: Huh?
Me: No thanks.
You’re like a semicolon. I’m not sure exactly what to do with you.
Not sure why iPhoto doesn’t have a “that’s my ex, please stop” button
I can’t remember a time in my life when an update for Acrobat Reader wasn’t available.
I had to see these photos of somebody putting their sphinx cat in a wig and dress and now so do you.
Women seem to want security. At least that’s what they yell whenever I approach them.
“I’m having a public meltdown!!” – A Snowman, maybe.
I think having a highway to Hell and only a stairway to Heaven says a lot about anticipated traffic numbers.
Been unable to sell my house for over a decade because I’d rather tell prospective buyers it’s haunted than admit I can’t hang pictures straight.
Just caught my cat stealing my bank card off the table and now I regret telling him all my pin numbers ‘just in case’
Dog: I will do anything for you
Human: drop the ball
Dog: nope
“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”