Solving a traffic jam
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Laxatives help you live up to your full pooptential.
My superpower is acting like I’m trying to stop the elevator from shutting when more people are trying to get on without really stopping it.
SHARK ATTACKS AT RECORD HIGH
Australia: Lets put nets out to keep bathers safe
USA: Everybody get a shark to protect you from other sharks
Even after seeing all of the Jurassic Park movies I still feel like a dinosaur theme park sounds like a really good idea
I ate so much bread yesterday, I checked Web MD to make sure that I couldn’t end up with a yeast infection.
Damn girl, are you my Boy Scout troop leader? Cause you’re making me pitch a tent.
Excuse me, waiter, there is a spy in my soup. It fell out of the balloon in the sky.
My kid: It’s not fair. You get to do whatever you want.
Me, who just finished scrubbing the dog’s vomit off the carpet and is now cooking dinner for the family:
if i had to do it all over again i would definitely take more evening walks by the pantry
If you start a sentence with “I seen”, i’m just going to go ahead and assume the next part will not be “the inside of a book”
Web MD should go ahead and sell caskets.
My husband gives people the thumbs down instead of flicking them off from the car. He reports that the thumbs down makes people even more mad.
“Doctor, is the baby healthy?”
“Yes Kanye, and just so you know I was the first one to hold her.”
“Huh?”
*Ray-J pulls off surgical mask
choose your fighter(holiday edition)
I helped my neighbor out with something this morning and she said to me “I could marry you”. I couldn’t believe it. You do something nice for someone and they threaten to ruin your life in return.
Do you like freezing to death and knocking down trees with your face? Well why not book a skiing holiday?
Most of you didn’t even question if turtles would make great ninjas. You just believed it. I should’ve known then we’d end up where we are.
Car commercials are so insane, like hey we’re going to the mountains to chase owls in our kia sorento, alright take it easy penelope.
Grandmother clock.
*turns on internet*
computor, i need to take a break from trying to achieve one thing. show me all of the achievments of others all at once
This snow makes me want to wear a nice sweater by the fireplace and frame my neighbor Gary for murder
ATTENTION ALABAMA RESIDENTS: tonight’s penumbral lunar eclipse is perfectly natural. The moon is undamaged. Gay people are not stealing it.
Dog: You’re back!
Me: Yes
Dog: I missed you so much!
Me: Aww, that’s sweet
Dog: Seriously, I almost died of loneliness
Me: Okay, but I was in the bathroom for like a minute
Dog: DON’T. EVER. LEAVE. ME. AGAIN!
My obituary: She died in the shower, dancing away from a spider that was really just black sock fuzz.
It’s cute when I put everything back where it belongs, and my family thinks I rearranged the house.
[meeting a girl at the bar]
ME (nervously cracking every knuckle): hi I’m brandon
GIRL: please let go of my hands
Dracula: *transforms into a bat*
Me: OMG flappy sky puppy come here there is a blanket and I’ve got the brushybrushy for you do you want the brushybrushy
Dracula:
Me:
Dracula:
Me:
Dracula: *tiny voice* yes
“omg you’re covered in blood! are you ok?”
[cut to me blending a tomato but I cant get the lid on properly]
you should see the other guy