Boss: I suspect one of you is dead
[Everyone looks at me, except for Paul, who is not moving at all]
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I’m God’s gift to women if he stopped at a gas station last minute.
Eve: I got an Apple.
Adam: …
Eve: …
Adam: …
Eve: What?
Adam: I thought we’d decided on Android.
Eve: The serpent said this was better.
Going to sleep: It’s so cold in here, I’m totally wearing these socks to bed
Middle of the night: GET THESE DEVIL FOOT GLOVES OFF ME
Me googling: why do chickens get to run around with no head but humans don’t?
Google response: Why Am I Single Quiz – Take This Quiz To Find Out
Maybe we should put monkeys in charge for a while just to see how it goes.
Him: I like to play devils advocate
Me: There are way better games out there
When people say I don’t mean to brag they’re bragging about not bragging.
To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.
If your name is Marco and you were in the dentist office waiting room this morning, just wanted to apologize for my three teenage daughters yelling, ‘Polo’ in unison after they called your name.
Me: The enemy launched a missile, sir
Sargeant: What’s the point of impact?
Me: Because otherwise there’s no boom, sir
If hockey comes back this season we should be allowed to appoint one single fan to watch the games who’s only job is to shout “shoot!” on the power-play and occasionally bang on the glass.
[Meeting friends baby]
Me: [bouncing him on my knee] he’s a big boy isn’t he
Friend: yeah he was 11 pounds
Me: wow that’s cheap
“Why don’t you have kids yet?” is a great question, ma’am, but I’m saving that conversation for the right total stranger at this gym.
“Yes officer, *rolling eyes* I know what a traffic light is I passed the captcha test on three tries.”
Owls are the most beautiful birds. Real head turner.
Sometimes I’m eating chips and I pick up a chip crumb off my shirt and eat it but it’s a different flavor of chip than I’m currently eating.
I’ve reached the age where if someone rings my bell after 9pm I either left my car door open or I’m about to be murdered
I opened the fridge door, but something inside slammed it shut. It’s going to be Uber Eats until we can move out.
Tonight I’m going to be naughty and tie my man to the bed. Then I’ll make him watch a Golden Girls marathon while I eat the left over pizza.
Lost about 3 pounds in the last 10 mins
(shaved my back and shoulders)
Do you need to go peepee?
-No
Are you sure?
-Yes
How bout you try?
-No
Ook, goodnight*as soon as I relax*
-MOM HELP I’M PEEPING MY PANTS!
[first day as a bank manager]
Customer: I’d like a car loan
Me: I’m not lending you my car
I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, “WAIT, THERE’S DONUTS?” and I say, “Sorry, last one!” and then eat it.
My company has a nicotine like addiction to conference calls.
TAYLOR SWIFT: I knew you were trouble when you walked in
ME (wearing ski mask and holding up gun): what gave it away?
Maybe a ninja is fighting a chameleon right in front of you.
Ever think of that??
I’d rather take a bullet for my son than cover for him when mom asks who left the dirty dishes in the sink…
Indiana Jones & the hopscotch of doom.
Why does the minion look better in a thong than me? and other random thoughts
I really dislike my CW, so everyday I steal a Kleenex from her desk. In about 500 days, she’s gonna be pissed.