Zombies..stay away from junk people or you’ll gain a shit-ton of weight.
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professor x: what’s your power?
jk rowling: i can rewrite the past of fictional characters
gay professor x : interesting
“Welcome to the future. Let me show you around. Here’s the bathroom. This is a robot that we invented that screams at your wet hands.”
age 9- *jumps off fences, feels fine*
age 19- *jumps off garage on a dare, feels fine*
age 39- *takes Aleve cuz I “slept funny”
opening a flower shop called women in stem
Me: Come on! Just kiss me. I always kiss you and it’s National Kissing Day. Stop being so stingy!!!!
Husband: Stace…leave the dogs alone FFS!
[first day working in a restaurant]
me: *writes ‘tip jar’ on a glass*
cat: *reads sign*
me: oh no
I’m so incapable of accepting a compliment that I’ve started just flat out refusing them.
Them: You look lovely today.
Me: No thank you.
Wife: Did you pick up the book I asked you to get?
Me: Yes
Wife: Where did you go?
Me: Narnes & Boble
Wife: Did you say Barnes & Noble?
Me: Maybe
I’m used to my kid bursting into the bathroom with random objects but I had to draw the line today at bringing in binoculars and her cousin.
me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting
clock repairman: I’m doing my best
It’s like campers and hikers don’t understand that nature will come to you if you just don’t mow the lawn.
Never eat the free guacamole at a sushi restaurant. It’s always waaay too spicy and doesn’t taste anything like avocados.
Hell yes, I would love to get stoned to death. Wait, rocks?! What rocks?
Me: was the “also” because the sun SETS or because the MOON rises?
Hemingway: couldn’t you have picked someone living to have dinner with
When someone tries to look at the pics on my phone, I throw my body on it like it’s a live grenade.
Nobody is more drunk with power than a 6-year-old telling Alexa to do anything.
ME: my ideal first date? well to me it dosent matter wat we do as long as we share a conection
JOB INTERVIEWER: i meant how soon can u start
I put my pants on like everyone else….
After sex.
Ha just kidding. I don’t have sex, or pants.
I WISH MY PETS WOULD STOP ACCIDENTALLY INJURING ME WITH THEIR KNIFE HANDS
Back to the Future but it’s just me trying to break my parents up at the school dance
Take a day off. Pamper yourself. Visit a spa. Pour melted wax on ur body. Rip the hair out by the roots. Inject poison into ur face. Relax.
Pennies from heaven would actually be quite devastating.
Bro I’m not afraid to die I’ve ordered calamari at like 8 different diners
No, I am not okay. Facebook just showed me something I posted 10 years ago.
My retirement plan is to become a cat.
Dog keeps sighing melodramatically. I know he wants me to ask him what’s wrong, but I’m not falling for it.
Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password
I’ll have a salad but on top of a burger with cheese
“So you want a cheeseburger?”
Yes but when you bring it to me say here’s your salad
me: ok for that, i need you to roll a perception check
cop: that’s not how this works