Doctor: This patient needs exercise. Get him a walker. No that’s a zombie I wanted a walk-oh I see what you did there, nurse
[Everyone dies]
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Here’s a meme
Barber: What can I do for you?
Me: Here, I brought a picture. Can you make me look like this?
Barber: Is that… is that Chris Pratt’s abs?
Me: Can you do it or not?
[hosting a kids show]
ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!!
KIDS: OWL! TOUCHING! TIME!
[camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]
Me, wide awake after staying up all night:
*Sings loudly*
*Dancing around*
*Way too chipper*
*Annoying my friends and family*My neighbor: Good Morning!
Me: How dare you speak to me so early in the morning? Have you no respect?
Interview
Boss: Greatest weakness
Me: Sometimes I answer questions with 90s rap lyrics
B: Is that here on your resume
M: Whoomp, there it is
I had a long list of important things that I had to get done today. I lucked out, I can’t find it. Anyone free for lunch?
I get it Bryan Adams. It was the summer of 69, but what year?
How does the little mermaid decide which creatures are her friends and which ones are her bra
Boss: Have I made myself clear?
Me: No, I can still see you.
Boss: Shakes head.
bumping into a hot professor in the hallway and dropping my folder full of printed out pictures of the Green M&M
“It’s raining men. Hallelujah.”
-The lesser known 11th plague that God sent to the Egyptians
From the looks of this gas station bathroom, I missed an alien autopsy by 10 minutes.
Bout to have a wild Saturday night playing Diablo III with children til the wee hours (probably around 8pm)
Dentist: “Wow your teeth really got yellow since last time. I’m prescribing a new Snapchat filter.”
My new body spray is called Decaying Corpse
It’s from Bed Bath & Beyond the Grave.
me alone with my thoughts vs me alone with my thoughts five minutes later
[Hospital Parking Lot]
Me: I thought we were here to get your X Ray back.
Friend: Yeah *slashing tires* this is his car.
Why would I spend $5 on a bag of apples at the store when I can wear warm fall clothes in 88° weather and pay $36 for our family to pick them ourselves.
wife: where are the beans?
me: i made phones with the cans.
wife: can i talk to you in the kitchen?
small voice echoing from the kitchen: you can now.
You know what this new carpet needs? For me to open a tube of blue toothpaste, and jump up and down on it.
– My 4yo. Apparently.
I only had one piece of pizza at dinner tonight. One huge round piece.
Legally, you don’t actually have to ever stop screaming.
Her: You smell like alcohol.
Me: awww, you smell lovely too.
[Shop class]
Satan: Whatcha makin’?
God: Trust. Man can use it to form lasting bonds and friendships. What you making?
Satan: A bong.
It’s the freakin’ weekend, baby, I’m about to cancel some plans
ME: *gets down on one knee*
HER: omg
ME: *gets down on both knees* whoa these muscle relaxers are awesome
My wife and I take turns going to our 11-year-old’s swim meets.
Two weeks in a row, when it was my turn, the meet got canceled.
Now our daughter always wants it to be my turn.
Looks like we all just want to stay home.
I just misspelled a word so bad that auto correct blew milk out its nose.
ME *traps wasp under a cup*
MAGICIAN GHOST WHO HAUNTS ME: *appears & sets down 2 more cups*
ME: no
MAGICIAN GHOST: *starts to shuffle them*
I’ve had 3 men proclaim their love for me since the Coronavirus hit, so how’s your quarantine going?