Her, 4: I want a baby! New baby sister? Or brother?
Me: We can’t have another baby. You would need a new daddy for mommy to have another baby
Her: New cat?
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I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words if you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone.
Me: I got my YOLO tattoo covered up
GF: Good. I told you it was just a stupid fad
Me: I know
GF: What’d you get?
Me: *reveals Minion tattoo*
When Kevin Bacon participates in a bake off, he instantly becomes Kevin Bacoff.
Picture us, making love. Wrong. More cheese.
me: [flicking through memory book] aww and this is my first pet, hammy the hamster
gf: you know you could have just taken a photo
merlin: whoever pulls the sword from the stone is the true king
arthur: oh, this sword?
merlin: by my beard.. what is your first order, my liege?
arthur: table
merlin: what?
arthur: [right in his face] and that shit better be a circle
wife: honey did you see the new player piano I bought
me: *stops googling can ghosts play the piano* yes I did
I start conversations with my children by saying “Listen to me,” to ensure they stop paying attention from the beginning.
Petition to bring back payphones in public places. I don’t want to give my kid a phone, I want to give him a quarter.
A new dating show where couples have 30 minutes to meet, date, get engaged, get married, buy a house, raise 3 kids, retire, travel and die old together.
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
I respected tiger sharks a lot more after I realized how many hurdles tigers and sharks had to overcome to breed with each other.
pete davidson is the goofiest person to be mad at bro it’s like having beef with spongebob
I told my American cousin this is what police cars in Scotland sound like
10’s homework question: “Which appliance in your home do you think is the most useful?”
His answer: “My mom.”
Therapist: And how do we respond when our horrible family member says something rude?
Me: You put the Ho in holidays
Therapist: No
Just heard a woman say, “I never give my dog medicine I haven’t tried first” and her friend responded, “oh, Janet, no.”
I’m still awake because my brain can’t locate my sleep file, babe
A smile every mile will get you further faster but if that doesn’t work, carjacking does.
me: there’s some loud construction work going on in my street, so guess you could say I’m getting hammered
everyone on this work call:
When I was 19 I worked at Staples. They showed us an anti-union video during training. That was the day I realized it’s okay to steal from work
Protip: Never look up from your breakfast if you hear the words “gruesome discovery” coming from your TV on the morning news.
My dog always pees against trees when we walk through the neighborhood
I do it one time and now I need bail
got kicked out of another gang for bringing spinach casserole to the trap house
My biggest accomplishment this week was my AirPods surviving a trip through the washing machine. And I don’t know whether to try harder or buy a lottery ticket.
Good Witch: I present you with some magical ruby slippers!
Dorothy: Oh wow, what do they do?
Good Witch: If you click the heels they will send you to Kansas.
Dorothy: …What else you got?
Teacher: Ok, which of you stole the thesaurus?
Student: Not me
Student: Not me
Student: Nay myself
Student: Not me
Me: *goes for midnight jog*
My boss: *pops out of trash can* RUNNING LATE AGAIN I SEE
Sorry I used the word flaccid twice in your wedding toast.
[first day as hotdog vendor] I’m sorry, these are not for sale