Me with a black eye: You should see the other guy – he looks amazing. I think he moisturizes.
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Shame on you if you’re still replying “damn” to selfies. Take a creative writing class.
As the cedars outside my window
swayed with the gentle autumn breeze,
I gazed upon your digital image, madam,
And my bowl of spaghetti fell to the floor
As, nearly, did I…
I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :
Seductively sings in Klingon.
I hate when the dentist is like “go rinse”… Nah bro. This is all you today. figure it out
I’m haunted by unanswered questions, like after the clock struck one and the mouse ran down, what happened next
me: i know people call you a rescue, but, honestly, you rescued me
stale doughnut i pulled out of the trash:
before meds: i hate everything
after meds: *with enthusiasm* i hate everything
I asked my hairdresser which kind of cut would make me look good.
A powercut wasn’t the answer I was hoping for…
best buy employee: can i help you find anything
me: uh i’m good
best buy employee: ok well if you have any questions i’m colin
me: how’d you get in my house colin
[During sex]
Her: That fan of yours is loud and distracting
Me: It helps me in bed
Fan: *clapping approvingly* Yeah bro WORK THOSE HIPS
When it comes to Pope vs. Trump, do you take the side of the guy who wears that ridiculous thing on his head or the Pope?
i put my exercise bike together, no spare parts, i am absolutely drunk on testosterone, i’ll never need another map.
Just found out my 6yo has mono and the doctor who diagnosed her asked if anyone in the house has similar symptoms, including excessive fatigue. Um, Sir, based on that alone, I’ve had mono since 2009.
son: dad sing me a song
me: alright *clears throat* SHAWTY HAD THEM APPLE BOTTOM JEANS
wife from the other room: JEANS
me: BOOTS WITH THE FUR
wife: *shows up, grabs both door handles and drops it low* WITH THE FUR
me: THE WHOLE CLUB WAS LOOKING AT HER
Medusa: oh hello I’d like to make a hair appointment please
pet shop: please stop calling us
I bet the worst part about kidnapping someone is knowing they are just sitting there in your trunk, judging your choice in music.
*walks into gym, tags my location on Facebook, leaves*
*lying in bed*
*drops chip down cleavage*
*thinks, I’m so tired, leave it
*also, mmmmm, breakfast*
Cats be like “I know a spot” and proceed to take a nap on the important papers you are working on to meet a deadline.
[spelling bee]
Your word is “echo”
can you use it in a sentence?
SENTENCE entence enᵗᵉᶰᶜᵉ ᵉᶰᶜᵉ ᶜᵉ
me:
british youtuber: wots up yewchoob,
*receives invitation to dry wedding*
*becomes wine smuggler and most popular wedding guest ever*
The longest 30 seconds of your life happen when you shut the router off to reset the WiFi
You hear about separate beds or even bedrooms saving a marriage.
Bullshit. Separate pizzas is the key to happiness. Trust me on this.
Columbus: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Well–
Columbus: *just yanks me out of my car and drives off in it*
Maggi is the girlfriend of the food world. It says 2 minutes but never gets ready in less than 20 minutes.
Wow! This Child Actress is All Grown Up, and You Won’t Believe How Much She Hates Your Obsession With What She Looks Like Now:
My neighbor called me an old drunk which really offended me. I’m not that old…
These people act like they’ve never seen anyone wearing a Speedo in a laundromat before.