Store Clerk: Happy holidays
Me (angrily): Merry…CHRISTMAS
Clerk (even angrier): SEASON’S GREETINGS
[we just start choking each other]
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4: “Can I say fuh?”
Me: “Don’t…”
4: “Can I say king?!”
Me: “NoooOOOOOOO!”
Me: I just want to be able to afford to eat sometimes
Wife: What about me and the kids?
Me: I’M NOT A CANNIBAL YOU IDIOT
One time I corrected a student when she spelled “through” “thru” and she responded “that’s how *I* spell it”. I could suddenly somehow see her future self putting “if you can’t handle me at my worst, you don’t deserve me at my best” in her Tinder profile
*Batman pulls up to drive-thru*
“Large fries.”
“We’re serving breakfast sir.”
*destroys speaker with batarang*
“And I’m serving justice.”
Hubs: *Climbing ladder to put baby bird back in nest* [at my request]
*Falls off ladder*
Me: Oh my God, is the bird okay?
No one is in denial more than a mom who brings a book to the pool
Wife: Why are you wearing that?
Me: I wanted to dress a little bisqué
Wife: You mean risqué?
Me: *wearing shirt soaked in lobster soup* No I’m pretty sure I’m right
Welcome to your 40’s: you’re older than your doctor now.
Pro tip:
If you buy two 30packs at the beer store, you don’t have to make a second trip later in the day.
Sorry boss, I set my alarm for 7PM instead of 7AM and that’s why I haven’t been at work in six years.
interviewer: would u say ur driven
[cut to my mom waiting in the parking lot to drive me home]
me: oh yes
Twerking is the crocs of dancing.
I tried bringing sexy back, but it scratched me, scampered away, and hid under a car.
People who spend their lives complaining how other people are doing nothing productive for society are doing nothing productive for society.
ME: Cant sleep. Theres too much going on in the world
MY WIFE: Whats bothering u?
ME: If Garfield didnt have a job, why did he hate Mondays?
Me, a kid: wonders how they get jelly into jelly donuts
Me, an adult: wonders why they don’t put vodka into jelly donuts
Nazi is a bit harsh…I’m more of a grammar Spanish Inquisition
Therapist: healing isn’t linear
Me: what if I pay extra?
What I say: Sorry baby, they were out of bubblegum flavored medicine…Grape, will have to do.
What my child hears: I don’t love you, never have…Now drink your poison.
Netflix just asked me “Are you really going to eat that too?”
Those orcas won’t leave my driveway.
You can save a lot of money if you just steal everything
*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate**Creates a soulmate*
HER: I love Deadpool
ME: I love Dead Pool
HER: Oh, cool, you read comics too?
ME: *staring out at pond where I toss victims’ bodies* Hmm?
[date]
HER: So do you like Star Wars?
ME: Oh yeah
HER: Who’s your favorite character?
ME: *nervously looking at smudged notes* Yoga
*comes home from poker night earlier than usual looks at wife while picking up the dog and leaves without saying anything*
sometimes. i will yawn really big. and soon after. the human will also yawn. i have yet to decide. what to do with my powers
I warned my wife the tattooist was no good and sure enough she came back with disappointment written all over her face.
I actually think a giant wooden horse filled with soldiers would work BETTER to infiltrate a city now. Like, what’s the chance of someone trying that move twice?
Tonight was supposed to be date night but instead I’m heading to the grocery store because my wife just texted me an eggplant emoji.