15 got his first job at Buffalo Wild Wings and today I went to pick him up, my car now smells like deep fried onions and axe body spray.
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Math is like my parenting. I do it when I have to, but I’m not great at it.
*buys two $5 copies of Math For Dummies*
*pays $47.00*
Coworker: you play any sports
Me: yeah but I’ve had to take a break from it
CW: oh..Injury?
Me: *thinks about broken controller* yeah..kinda
I put the “pro” in inappropriate
Saw a TV at the dumpster with a sign that said ‘free TV’ and boy do I feel stupid, I paid $200 for the last TV sitting at a dumpster
If the work week didn’t already exist and someone pitched the idea of everyone working 5 out of every 7 days they’d get thrown in a volcano
Legalize drugs. Criminalize dumbasses.
[walks into gym with my sunglasses on]
WHATS UP LADIES
*takes off sunglasses*
damn it 3rd treadmill I’ve hit on this week
Yous guys keep her distracted. I do the rest. Got it?
2013: why would anyone care what the losers on reddit think
2023: the losers on reddit are the last remaining source on the internet for reviews of products and services that aren’t paid for or some kind of scam
me: what do you want from me
wife: a divorce
me: i meant for christmas
For somebody who ate their twin in utero I sure am a fussy eater
I used to sing my daughter to sleep at night, which is probably why her first word was “Stop.”
Well Avril, given that you were describing two completely different situations at the beginning and the end of the song, in retrospect yes I do believe you could have made it more obvious
i casually mentioned to my wife how ive started smiling with my eyes at work to signal no-threat and increase a sense of camaraderie and she’s like “what what do you mean smile with your eyes” and i showed her and she told me to never make that face again
Yes, I put a semicolon in a tweet. What else am I supposed to do with my English degree?
[sees crush]
Oh you’re going to the mall? Wow weird me too. I totally need a new *tries to think of something at the mall* escalator
Free pizza at work got me like “Fine, I’ll come back on Monday”.
I miss walking my dog on July 5th, wondering if I’ll have to wrestle a blown off finger from him.
Everyone: Wow, I love your official animal.
Aussies: Thanks, it has pockets.
SECURITY GUARD: Sir, you can’t be here.
ME: But I AM here.
SECURITY: I understand that, but you can’t be in this area.
ME: I think I have definitely shown that is not true.
Every piece of cake
Every cookie you take
Every bite of steak
I’ll be watching youDogs
My charger only works if my phone is on a 45 degree angle, resting on a tiny pillow with Pat Benatar playing quietly in the background.
A moment of silence for all those who are stuck in traffic, trying to get to the gym, to ride stationary bikes…
Not arguing with people in 2024, I’m just gonna say “it makes sense that you would think that”
CTRL + C and CTRL + V another window
“Draw me like one of your Trash girls”
Me: !!Ugh!! YOUR DAMN DOG IS STARING AT ME AGAIN!
Him: Just ignore him.
Me: I’m trying!
Him: I was talking to the dog…
I got myself into this mess, and I can get myself further into this mess.
Hey Paul Ryan, why don’t you save some first names for the rest of us.