The neighbor’s 5yo keeps yelling “are we boyfriend and girlfriend” across the fence at my 5yo, and my kid just came running in the house and slammed the door, so I guess that answers that
You Might Also Like
Straight friend: Will you sensitivity read my book for my lesbian best friend character?
Me, two weeks later: The lesbian best friend is absolutely perfect. Here’s 16 pages of notes detailing the incorrect things you said about Star Trek.
Day 70 without sex my doctor asked me “are you sexually active” I said why whachu tryna do.
JUDGE: Are you trying to bribe me?
ME: All I’m saying is I could easily cut this burrito in half.
Thank god it‘s friday. Only 40 more years of working.
Tweet about drinking too much = 50 quick likes
Facebook about drinking too much = A phone call from my mom
Tinder, but for nearby people that have a printer you can use.
Me: Okay, give it to me straight. Why doesn’t my food blog get any subscribers?
Food Blog Mentor: Well, you might want to stop posting recipes that end with “food should look like it’s been chewed up and spit out”.
wife: I wish you’d stop bringing your work home with you
Dr Frankenstein: he has a name
wife: DOES HE
When I said that you’d always have a place to stay in rough times, I meant like a motel or a shelter. Anyway … You can’t stay here.
The “baby” on the left….
Elsa’s dad forbid her from using her powers specially so no one would be tempted to change the thermostat.
Billy Ocean’s “Get Outta My Dreams” is my favorite song about simultaneous eviction & abduction.
Thankfully I haven’t had to go out and panic buy any food as I’ve been saving some plums in my icebox for this very occasion.
Me: You’re on my VERY LAST NERVE!
2020: Nope.
Me: What music you into?
Date: I love hip hop
Me: Yeah me too
[thinking of something to say to impress her]
Me: Soup Dogg is my cousin
[courtroom, on witness stand]
Prosecuting attny: If you think she’s poisoning you, why did you eat it?
Me: It was pizza
[jury nods, murmurs]
Everyone should release their taxes because I cannot read them understand them anyhow
MY MOM: [handing me my hulk hands] Good luck on your date tonight.
Subway sandwich employee said he wears the gloves “cuz the meat stings.”
food for thought? no bro im hungry. food for stomach
A zendetta is when you launch a blood feud against a killer who murdered your entire family, but remain pretty chill about the whole thing.
I think they should use stronger sealant on cookie packaging so at least you get a decent workout before eating the entire box.
Most of my trips into Home Depot are to fix something that I screwed up after my previous trip to Home Depot.
Cow Scientist: Sir, we’ve discovered a deadly aMOOOba infecting our milk. It has a very high MOOOtality rate and it’s rapidly MOOOtating
Cow President: *grimly* Holy cow
a rare painting of a dragon eating spaghetti
Pro Tip: you can’t just be sorry. You have to understand why I expect you to be sorry and be able to articulate that back to me in detail
[First day as a fighter pilot]
*punches every passenger in the stomach as they board*
people will say “oh i love the vaccine” and then only get it once or twice
I once broke up with a girl for doing a May the 4th be with you joke. I did it the next day though, and called it revenge of the fifth.
A good hack to make my house look clean and tidy in the evening is to turn all the lights off.