I told my 3-year-old the beans in her taco were chocolate jelly beans and she took 3 whole bites before she decided to never trust me again.
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Before I had kids I thought there were only three, maybe four places you could put stickers. I was wrong. So, so wrong.
The honesty is refreshing
If squirrels could talk, they’d have British accents.
When you “pspspsp” too hard
I throw naked mini-wheats back in the box like I’m not the one who’s gonna get stuck with the bowl of naked mini-wheats in the end
Sailors who are unable to stop a ship properly are sent to 2 weeks of court-ordered anchor management.
Walmart calls them self checkouts, I call them I might not pay for some of this.
‘can you smell what the Lord is cookin?’
– Christian Rock
We are being punished for our hubris, for building entire factories dedicated to nothing but cheesecake.
Wife: pick a Halloween movie to watch.
Me: Harry Potter.
Wife: that’s not a Halloween movie.
Me: then why does it have witches?
Wife:
Me: and spells.
Wife:
Me: and flying broomsticks.
Wife: pick another movie.
Me: fine. Harry Potter number 2.
Emma Stone is my girlfriend. Nobody tell her, though. I want it to be a surprise.
A few dozen cupcakes tripped and fell into my mouth against my will.
Them: “How’s your diet going?”
Me: *slowly eats a powdered donut while maintaining eye contact*
I have my own music. Stand outside my house holding a cheesecake over your head.
Mike: Mom! We’re out of burrito paper!
Mom: Dammit Mike, they’re tortillas. You’re twenty six.
if your brain produces saliva you have a patooey-tary gland thank you
At the motel:
Front Desk: And here’s your key card sir ..
Me: I’d like a wakeup call.
FD: You’re 20 lbs. overweight and your fly’s open.
If I’m facing away from you during sex, assume I’m quietly enjoying a snack.
This is your pilot speaking. We’ll be taking off shortly once our flight crew confirms that this is, in fact, an airplane
My friend is so frugal if he starts dreaming good he wakes up so as to not spend it all at one time.
If you wanna go and take a ride with me with three women in the floor with the goat cheese.
Monopoly banker (inspecting check): Um, I’m gonna have to call the manager.
Giant metal shoe: I’ve been doing business here FOR 20 YEARS.
I literally just used the flashlight on my phone to search under the couch for my phone if you ladies are looking for someone with all their ducks in a row
Suddenly had the urge to lay on the floor and do stomach crunches.
Then I found some bubble wrap and that urge went away.
[used car]
ME: my credit’s bad
SALESMAN: k
ME: i’m a criminal
SALESMAN: no law against that
ME: i’m on the run
SALESMAN: then you need a car
I saved a ton of money on a security system by hanging a bunch of shitty wind chimes through out my house.
Me: How do I beat the bully?
Dad: Just punch him
Me: I am not doing that
Dad: Or grow up, work hard, and be more successful and popular than him
Me: So like an uppercut?
multitasking lunch
Teach a man to fish and he will evolve to become so skilled at it that he destroys the ocean and kills every last fish. Nice one education.