PIG: “I’m paranoid everyone’s trying to turn me into bacon”
PSYCHIATRIST: “I’ll cure you”
PIG: “Oh God, not you too”
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If you’re happy and you know it eat a bug
[plot twist] ur buried vertically
I have a solar eclipse every two minutes inside my living room ever since my toddler learned how to open & close the blinds.
financial advisor: what are your retirement goals?
me:
Fireman: [bursts in] EVERYONE OUT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Me: No its a hose lol
[later]
Cop: looks like he filled him with water til he exploded
i bet all the girls say “i bet you say that to all the girls” to all the guys.
Twitter is my serious account, the funny one is my bank account.
everybody gangster til u put a spider in their plastic easter egg
woke up to a text from my mom about how a wild elephant went into a Sri Lankan hotel and gently wandered around while poking stuff with his trunk
If you tell me that something is just a hop, skip, and a jump away, I’m not going. That’s exercise.
Dog 911: what’s ur emer-
Dog: MY HUMAN IS TALKING TO ME
Dog 911: so?
Dog: THEN HE ANSWERS FOR ME IN A WEIRD VOICE
Dog 911: OMG
Dog: OMG
Why is it that in horror movies, no matter how many times I shout at the screen, the characters never seem to listen? I’m trying to save you idiots!
I live alone.
The dryer is my closet.
Scientist: what do u know about atoms
Me: very little
“More than 1 way to skin a cat” – “Killing 2 birds with 1 stone” – Running like a chicken with its head cut off”
— who ARE we???
Sing it!
my wife and i have been playing a 7 day game of ‘dishes in the sink are lava’
Beethoven: hey everybody, this next song’s called “Für Elise”
Elise: omg, we broke up 6 months ago, get over urslf
B: SHUT UP ELISE I LUV U
Lets all Twittercide at the same time & not tell a Will Smith parody account, 1 dog account, & all the zombie people just to freak him out.
Wow… Gmail’s auto reply has gotten really good
[bar]
HER: wanna get outta here? *winks*
ME: hell ya
HER: whatya thinkin?
ME: lets go to my place and arm wrestle
HER: what?
ME: u scared?
“Milk does a body good” I whisper as I down a whole gallon of heavy whipping cream.
How crazy is it that we used to say “three and a half inch floppy” with a straight face
To save a bit of money on e-cigarettes I’ve started to roll my own batteries.
I sent an email saying “I see you all in prison tomorrow” instead of “in person tomorrow” and I’m pretty sure that’s the worst typo a judge can send to counsel.
It’s amazing how a simple act of kindness can change my bad mood into a suspicious bad mood.
My kids at 7am: What’s for breakfast? Can I play Xbox? What are we doing today? What’s blue plus blue make?
Me:
My husband just started assembling a bookshelf so I guess we’re fighting now.